Zoo Tales
by A.A. Pessimal
Summary: Posibly the beginning of a new cycle set in the City Zoo. No sex except for the animals and not much swearing. Though watch where you stand...
1. The ways of elephants

_**Zoo Stories**_

_Another couple of shorts for the Unfinished Tales folder. Or possibly a new cycle of tales in its own right. _

Johanna Smith-Rhodes sighed and poured a cup of tea. The Zoo Trust meeting had gone as most committee meetings usually do – ten minutes of useful content and decision-making, and fifty minutes of blather and hot air. She thanked goodness it was all over for another month, and checked the clock; just time for a cup of tea before making her way back to the School to take a class.

Lifting the cup to her lips, she reviewed the useful decisions that had been made. The surplus litter of leopard cubs, once weaned, would go along with their mother to the Quirm city zoo. In exchange, Quirm was sending some of its surplus animals that the Ankh-Morpork Zoo was deficient in. She wasn't yet sure which species, but Mr Grinchlow had an idea of what gaps the Zoo had and which new animals would be of scientific interest, as well as attracting visitor attention.

She felt she could leave the veteran keeper to make a decision and strike a bargain: Grinchlow had been in the animal business all his life, and in fact had been senior keeper at the Palace menagerie before it was closed down and all its resident animals had been gifted to the care of the Zoo by Lord Vetinari, who had seen an admirable cause worth sponsoring as well as an opportunity to close down an inherited liability and open the space it occupied for rebuilding work.

What amounted to a three-day all-expenses jolly to Quirm was icing on the cake, although he would be escorting a secure cage full of leopards there, as well as whatever animals he negotiated in exchange on the way back.

And then Mr Dibbler had reported on Marketing: the range of stuffed toy animals designed for children to buy and take home with them were walking out of the souvenir shop**(1)**, although Johanna had stipulated they should be of quality make and last quite a lot longer than five minutes after purchase, mr Dibbler, are you hearing me? Johanna, who as a girl had not had all that many toys, was losing the fight over the animal toys. A shelf in her bedroom was gradually populating itself with "samples", a thing she was determined only her very best friends among fellow Assassins would ever get to hear of. She looked at them at night and wistfully remembered the barefoot farm girl on the Howondalandian veldt, who had loved a single doll made out of an old mealie bag and stuffed with rags. At least, until real life intruded and she'd been sent away to school, where the doll did not follow.

Johanna glanced at the two painfully new framed scrolls on the wall. One was her degree in zoological studies from the University of Witwatersrand at home, conferred for her exceptional achievements in the field. She'd also had to write a verdammte thesis for it, which had revolved around the establishment and management of a zoological garden, with particular reference to the scientific opportunities it presented and the gaps in human knowledge that it could fill. As she'd established a thriving Zoo from nothing, the consensus was that it had been deservedly conferred. The second was her honorary Doctorate from Unseen University, conferred by Arch-chancellor Ridcully to add _gravitas_ to any scientific papers she wrote on animal management.

_Yer scientific papers will carry a dam'sight more weight if you're a Doctor, m'dear! _he had said.

Ridcully had fielded her objection that she didn't have a magical bone in her body by pointing out the work she'd done alongside the University's Department of Crypto, Para, Quasi, Meta and PseudoZoology, especially her special interest in the Ambiguous Puzuma, the Drop Bear, the Camelopard**(2)**, and the Shadowing Lemma**(3)**.

"Not only dangerous animals but also _magical_ ones." Ridcully had said. "You don't need to be a magic-user yourself to deal with things of magic, m'dear, which is why we're makin' you a Doctor, d'y'hear? Professor Morris at Zoology agrees and thinks you're fit, so that's what we're givin' you the degree for. _Animal Magic, _m'girl! That's what old Johnny Morris called it!"

Johanna smiled, an sipped her tea. It was the last quiet moment in her morning, however. Her office door resounded to a furious knocking, then burst open under the knocks. She sighed.

"Whet is it, Shtetl?"

"You Must Come, Miss Smith-Rhodes. There Is An Emergency With The Elephants."

Johanna sighed, put down her teacup, and followed the golem towards the sound of distant roaring. An elephant emergency that not even golem keepers could deal with… she vaguely wondered where Ashphalt was. He was one of her troll zookeepers. He wasn't outstanding as a zookeeper and in some senses was woefully inept, but he had the saving grace of loving the animals. She frowned. She'd heard of Hodgesaaargh, the falconer in Lancre. It was his tragedy that he loved and adored the birds of prey in his keeping. But their reciprocal love for him involved living for the day they could eat his _other_ ear. She suspected the elephants had much the same sort of regard for Asphalt. Johanna was sure she'd seen them sniggering to each other and winking prior to inflicting some pachydermian indignity or other…

_Well, he begged me for a job tending the elephants, _she thought._ He stressed he'd worked with them before, in the Circus. So he must know…__**(5 ) **But he needs help, somebody who's really sure of what he's doing around elephants._

Shtetl forced a path through an enthralled Ankh-Morporkian crowd gathered around the elephant house. Following in his wake, Johanna sensed _street-theatre_ was taking place. The crowd of Zoo visitors were engrossed in a spectacle she could not yet share, with contented faces and some grins and sniggers that put her on her guard.

Worth the admission money on its own, is this!" somebody said.

Shtetl led her into the elephant enclosure. With an unrestricted view for the first time, Johanna took in the sight. An elephant, one of the juvenile bulls, whose eyes seemed to be crossed and who was trumpeting alarm. However, with two golems and a troll holding it fast, it was incapable of movement, although its legs skittered as if it wanted to run and put some sort of embarrassment behind it.

Johanna looked questioningly at the golem.

"The Problem Is Here, Miss Smith-Rhodes." Shtetl said. He led her to where a group of Assassins' Guild students were working at resolving a problem, under the direction of teaching assistant Jocasta Wiggs. Johanna had left these students with her, knowing Jocasta was capable.

"Now when I say _pull_! We all pull together on the left and right ropes, Ok?"

Johanna noted two teams of five student assassins, each holding a rope. She followed the ropes back under the elephant's tail, and goggled slightly. No wonder the poor creature was cross-eyed…

Each rope was tied to a leg which had a certain troll-like aspect to it. The legs, er, _disappeared,_ at a point underneath the elephant's tail…

_Ag!_

"Asphalt?" she asked Jocasta, who nodded.

"Asphalt." she confirmed. "We'd just started hosing down the pen and luring the elephants into the bay next door with food, so they'd be distracted and eating while we cleaned up their living quarters, and poor old Asphalt got a bit _incautious_, and didn't realise how near he was to the elephant. And Jeffrey here thought it would be a huge joke to sit on him. You know how the elephants are around Asphalt. Long memories, you see, and we _did_ get some of them from the circus. And, er, Jeffrey got a bit more than he bargained for, and things got a bit _messy_…"

Johanna patted Jocasta's shoulder, kindly.

"I think you hed better pull on those ropes, then." she said, and stood back to watch.

Jocasta gave the command to _pull!_, and stood in the middle whilst the two sets of students dutifully exerted pressure on the stuck troll. Had Jocasta paused to think when she said things were getting a bit messy, she might have realised a situation like this had the potential to get messier still.

"One more good pull should do it, I think!" Jocasta said, while Johanna took a few more prudent steps back.

Jeffrey the elephant mooed in pachydermian protest as the ropes were pulled tight again. There was a sudden sucking sound as a vacuum seal was released. Jeffrey mooed louder, possibly in release. The two groups of pulling students fell backwards as the tension was suddenly released. A short, squat and somewhat _conical_ troll, whose skin might have been black, but it was at that moment hard to tell, sat up and coughed and spluttered.

And a torrent of something that had hitherto been prevented from escaping poured out, largely all over Jocasta Wiggs. The crowd cheered. A troll stuck up an elephant's arse was one thing. This was a _bonus_.**(6 )**

"Oh, bad luck, miss!" said one of the students, sympathetically.

Johanna winced. _Well, she must be getting used to this sort of thing by now. Jocasta must attract this sort of situation. _

"Mr Shtetl, get a hosepipe, would you? And someone to men the pump?"

Asphalt wiped his face.

"You get used to it, miss!" he assured a dripping Jocasta, who was wiping her face. "It was a bit strange the first time it happened, but the elephants don't mean no harm".

Johanna sighed again.

"Miss Wiggs, after you've cleaned the worst of it off you, go to my office. Leave the clothing you're wearing end we'll see whet we cen do with it. We hev seen worse in this Zoo. I keep spare clothing in my changing room. There are weshing fecilites there. Take whet you need for now. I'll take over here. Whet is thet _noise_, by the way?"

She had a notion as to what it was. She'd encountered it on the veldt a few times. Her father and uncle had once had to load their biggest crossbows and had come home with tired grim faces, unspeaking, having completed a necessary task that neither of them had taken pleasure in...

Shtetl looked glum, or glummer than is usual for golems.

"That Is The Elephant Hendricks. We Moved Him To A Secure Paddock On His Own. Otherwise He Presents A Very Real Danger."

"Take me to him".

Bull elephants periodically go through a state called _musht_. Nobody knows for sure what causes it, but for a short period of time even the most placid and friendly creature can become moody, evil-tempered, irrationally violent, and homicidally insane. A bull elephant in _musht _will trample, gore and kill even the keeper it loves. Admittedly it is also capable of expressing remorse, grief and loss afterwards when it regains its usual mind, but this does not obscure the fact that during _musht_ it is homicidally murderous to other elephants, and indeed any life form around it, right down to trees. Good zookeeping practice dictates separation and isolation until the urge dies down, or can be medicated away. This may take a week, in which the creature needs to be securely kept and guarded constantly. And an animal capable of smashing down and demolishing even the strongest fences also requires a degree of restriction.

Johanna, watching from the edge of the sturdy concrete wall, knew this well enough. She regarded Hendricks, secured to a central post by a very solid heavy chain. Normally she could interact with Hendricks, an elephant taught to respond to basic commands in _Vondalaans_ by his previous owners. But it was just too dangerous to attempt this now.

"Send a clecks to the Guild, would you?" she asked a keeper. "Epologies for my ebsence, I hev been detained here. Esk Miss N'Kweze to take over my cless. Thenk you."

Ruth N'Kweze was capable of covering her classes, she knew. It was the advantage of having teaching assistants. Especially ones she'd taught and trained herself. She focused her attention on Hendricks. Yes. The moody restless behaviour. The goring of the ground with his tusks as if setting out a challenge. The lesions on his head around the temporal lobes just behind the eyes, like burst boils, oozing an unhealthy-looking maroon-red mess, which she knew wasn't blood and pus but a symptom of some sort of raging hormonal imbalance causing the glands to secrete. Intrepid researchers had got samples of this, at huge risk. Johanna had heard about _thaumaturgists,_ the suicidally crazy men who went out gathering ingredients for the wizards. A despised and untouchable caste within wizardry, composed of failed wizards who were bloody-minded enough to think they had something to prove to those stuck-up bastards with the robes and staffs, the best of them were an elite who had time and again gone on impossible missions and _come back with the goods. _Even if it was a mandrake root, the real thing, in a sealed and soundproof box, or three cc's of tiger semen, or a pot of mermaid caviare. They went out, they fulfilled the order, they _delivered._ Gods knew how, but they prided themselves on it. And the best thaumaturgists were very rich men. Johanna suspected they were the Wizards' equivalent of career assassins – men who knew the risks, planned meticulously, came up with novel and innovative strategies, and completed the contract. Then banked the money.

Collecting a sample of _musht _secretions, known as _temporin_, from an enraged and insane bull elephant, she reflected, was a stroll in the park for a thaumaturgist. She employed one, as a consultant keeper, for moments like this.

And the samples, in the hands of a skilled Igorina to analyse them, had shown very high concentrations of stress hormones, testosterone, ketones, aldehydes, lipids, proteins and cholesterol.

An elephant in _musht_ could be tranquilized and doped. It could be starved. That had the effect of restoring it to normal. But it still took _days_…

Johanna swore. Something was happening..

"Mr Shtetl. Who is thet man climbing into the secure enclosure?"

"He Is Not Known To Me, Miss Smith-Rhodes. Shall I Intervene?"

"Yes. We don't went any more bed publicity!"

Recently, a man described afterwards, by the Watch, as bloody deranged, had got into the Hubland Bear enclosure and had sat down trying to make eye contact with the alpha bear, claiming that this was a sure-fire way of breaking through and befriending this most noble and magnificent animal. He had not known that unblinking eye contact, to many animals, is a challenge and an invitation to a fight. Or, as Commander Vimes had said afterwards, had he tried that method of placating Slaughter McKeefe in the Mended Drum, the end result would _still_ have been suicide.

The bear had growled the ursine version of "you lookin' at me, pal?" and had promptly ripped the luckless dreamer to pieces before any keepers could reach him. Oh, the Watch had called it "suicide", but it had _still_ led to a critical piece in the Times, about slipping security at the Zoo.**(7)**

And here was another one…

He was a slightly-built, brown-skinned man who was wearing nothing more than a ragged loincloth. Johanna winced, watching him sit, cross-legged, on the torn-up ground a few yards away from Hendricks, making no move, completely passive. Even though this was nominally a closed area of the Zoo, not open to the public for very good reason, the Ankh-Morpork public was streaming in to watch the street theatre, hoping for tragedy and bloodshed. A couple of powerless Watchmen had been swept in with them. She spared them a glare, even though she was a special constabel herself and knew thel imitations of the job.

"Get thet idiot _out_ of there! _And disperse those people_!" Johanna hissed. Several golems and two Watchmen, recognising a female temper only slightly less fearsome than Adora Belle Dearheart's, lumbered hastily off to do her bidding.

But in the enclosure, something was happening… Hendricks, after a few seconds of roaring and threatening, was visibly calming down. The little coloured man in the loincloth, moving slowly but with purpose, drew nearer… and then said something in a low voice, in a foreign language, right into the elephant's ear. He then looked towards its tail and nodded. Hendricks looked at him. The little man, radiating purpose, nodded back.

Then as three golems burst into the enclosure, the amazing sight of a previously unmanageable bull elephant kneeling… and the little man climbing on his back, settling into a cross-legged position on its neck, just behind the head. The golems stopped, looked at each other, and allowed the elephant to rise, seemingly at a word from the little man…. then it began walking, semingly docile and under bidding.

Much later that morning, Johanna looked the little man in the face.

"Name your price." She said. "You now have a job here."

He bowed to her.

"Goodness gracious me! Such kindness, mem-sahib." he said. "It makes my heart go _boom-biddy-boom_. I heard at home in Ghat that Ankh-Morpork is a city of richness where a humble immigrant may find home and work."

His voice was a sing-song Morporkian, with an inflection not unlike Llamedosian. Johanna, who these days was uncomfortable with being called _baas-lady_ by coloured or black-skinned people, heard _mem-sahib_ as coming from the same place, and winced internally.

"Do you hev a place to stay? This cen be provided." she said. "I wish to employ you here. You hev skills. With the elephents. I hev never seen such a thing before!"

"I have to admit I was concerned that my friend Hendriks is a Howondalandian elephant." said the little man. "I learned my skills with the Ghatian elephant, which has smaller ears. But the symptoms of the _musht_ were familiar. I know the _musht_, mem-sahib. I told myself if an elephant has the _musht,_ my skills will suffice."

"So I perceive! What did you do?"

The little man smiled.

"It is, forgive me, a secret among we _mahmouts_. Here your blacksmiths have the Horseman's Word, yes? Well, some of us in Ghat, we have the Mahmout's Word that works for elephants!"

"You're hired, mr?"

"Swathi Aramphit, mem- sahib!"

Johanna grinned. Experienced help for the amiable-but-inept Asphalt. It was shaping up to be a good day, after all.

* * *

><p><strong>(1) <strong>As often as not towards the shelf in Johanna's bedroom, it has to be said.

**(2) **A mythological beast on Roundworld said to be half-camel and half-leopard. On the Discworld, a sad and unhappy creature at war with itself. The camel half complains about the indigestion caused by too much meat on a ruminant stomach and deplores the hoof-rot caused by damp jungle vegetation underfoot. The leopard half scorns a wimpy vegetarian diet, says "stuff _that_!" to the idea of deserts, and to cap it all is not very good at maths. Its preferred method of hunting, however, draws both halves together: the camel half spits cud in the eyes of the prey which, blinded, is no match for the leopard half. Rumour has it that the original animal was bred on a whim by _Rogis_ – dark Igors – working for the Dark Empire. Animal psychologists and conflict resolution specialists are working with the last few extant specimens in the City Zoo to get them to resolve their differences.

**(3) **This had involved staking out a camel as bait and waiting for it to start making higher-mathematical calculations of the probability of being stalked by a hunting Shadowing Lemma, a creature attracted to discharges of mathematics and ususally responsible for thinning out the numbers of mathematicians of any species. The Watch had found the remanants of several extremely deceased theoretical mathematicians, and had with Johanna's aid deduced a Shadowing Lemma was active in Ankh-Morpork, hiding in a lair in a parellel universe and slipping down a rope composed of woven superstrings when hungry. After losing a camel to the world of higher mathematics, Johanna had thought again and used a troll as bait, locking Sergeant Detritus in the Pork Futures Warehouse until his mind had supercooled. A mathematical brain encased in a rigid silicon shell was not one the Lemma could bite into, even with its multi-dimensional fangs, and in the subsequent moments of existential confusion Detritus had made the bust on behalf of the Watch. A multi-dimensional cage devised by HEX and Ponder Stibbons had done the trick, and Vetinari, assuring himself he was dealing with a warped mathematical genius that was utterly dysfunctional in any other area of sentient endeavour**(4)**, had given blesing to its being securely confined by the Zoo in the care of the University Zoological department. Another stellar moment of co-operation between the Watch, the University and the Assassins' Guild had paid off. Even as the Lemma, recognising a side-order of Theoretical Physicist, had snapped its fangs at him, Ponder had sighed and reminded himself that field study alongside his Assassin girlfriend was likely to have lots of little moments like this, of extreme danger matched with trouser-dampening terror.

**(4)** If you've been to a university and met mathematical geniuses, you will have noted they universally have difficulty getting their shoes on the right feet in the morning. Like Dustin Hoffmans's character in _**Rain Man**_, they tend to the unworldly...

**(5) **Asphalt the troll trades in his day job of elephant-wrangling to be a rock band roadie in _**Soul Music, **_by Terry Pratchett. Zookeeping would seem to be the ideal job for him, with his experience of elephants…

**(6) **A You-Tube clip exists of a zookeeper in _**exactly**_ this position, being sat on by a mischievous elephant who then realises the essential truth of the verse about elephants in the Hedgehog Song. The keeper is saved from life as a pachydermian butt-plug only by an unstoppable flow of alarmed pachydermian diorrhea...

**(7) **Although in the aftermath of the incident, visitor numbers had actually tripled, from those hoping for a repetition of the incident. This is Ankh-Morpork, don't forget. Real-life incidents of this sort are not uncommon in zoos and are a situation keepers are briefed in. Zoo security isn't always abut stopping the animals getting out... A deranged woman in the USA wanted to get closer to those _adorable_ little kitties in the lion enclosure. The enraged mother did not want to share the joys. A man in Holland thought he could be at one with the polar bears by establishing eye contact. Bad move. And the man in Belgium who wanted to run with the timber wolves...


	2. The Dwarf Chimpanzees

_Well, I'm back. After several dismal months of what ended up amounting to work-sleep-work, I now have time again for gentler things. Picking up on fanfic ideas where I left off, I note people asked for more **Zoo Tales,** more Crowly and Aziraphile, more **Civilian Assistant**, more S**lipping between Worlds. **_

_Let's start with** Zoo Tales, **as a character here will also appear in the next chapter of** Slipping Between Worlds, **and I want to try to get her absolutely right as a woman to avoid, whose slightly muddled yet strongly held opinions are legend. _

_We begin with a scene-setting reprise from the end of **Nature Studies**, at the birth of the Zoo:- _

Young Maroon, the duty mail-boy, ran to her office with a copy of the Times and her share of the morning post. She thanked him, and read the Times over a coffee. They were still covering the animal escape in Hide Park with photos and stories for which there'd been no physical space the previous day.

An editorial praised the far-sighted and civic-minded proposal to enable a City Zoological Gardens, and Johanna noted, to her approval, that somebody (Vetinari?) had given the Times a set of plans and artists' impressions to look at. And copy into the paper. She studied them herself: evidently a bright architect had been consulted. But that wouldn't do for a chimpanzee house, too many ways the creatures could escape. In passing, she noted that was named as _a woman to whom the City owes deepest and most heart-felt thanks._ She shrugged: praise would be forgotten by tomorrow, but the Zoo was already growing. That was the sort of permanence she preferred.

She turned her attention to the post. A letter from the Times, asking if Sacharissa Cripslock could interview her for the _**Woman of the Moment**_ feature; a letter from home, from her mother, no doubt another litany of complaints about continued absence of son-in-law, her daughter's tardiness in doing anything about it that she could see, a warning that it will get worse after you turn thirty, and that she, Johanna's mother, would like to see grandchildren, ideally before she got too old and senile to appreciate being an _opie _and an _ouma._ Johanna put it to one side for attention later.

What's this… from Miss Estressa Partleigh, of the Campaign for Equal Heights. _Why am I not going to like this? _

It had come to Miss Partleigh's attention that she, Miss Smith-Rhodes, was only proposing to have chimpanzees of the species _Pan Troglodyctus_ in the new City Zoo. Was she not aware that there was such a thing as the Dwarf Chimpanzee, _Pan Bonobus, _and what sort of a message was it sending out that the dwarf chimpanzee was being excluded from the new Zoo? She, Miss Partleigh, therefore demanded that _three _dwarf bonobos should be included for every _two_ troglydyctus…

Johanna swore a spiky Howondolandian oath that was audible from Tump House, balled the letter up from the verdammte dumpkoft stupid woman, and threw it at the wall.

The last letter restored her smile: it was from the Council of the Thieves' Guild, acknowledging that Vetinari had personally passed on her comments at yesterday's meeting. In the light of which, the Council had debated the Zoo issue, thought it was a great idea, and in the interests of public relations and being seen as a mature and confident Guild that could join in with a good-natured joke at its expense… could we offer to sponsor the Chimpanzee House? Could volunteer students from the Thieves' Guild School have to do with its upkeep and maintenance?

She pencilled _yes, of course_ in the corner of the letter, and leant back. It was shaping up into a good morning.

* * *

><p>Johanna spent as much of the days as she could on the Zoo site, watching, commenting, supervising. The School day had been disrupted some time before by the need for student Assassins with animal handling expertise to participate in the round-up at Hide Park. She found that she needed to marshal reserves of diplomacy to deal with justifiably irritated colleagues in the staff room, those fellow teachers from whose classes she had needed to pull pupils. This and her own daily teaching ate into her time, but at least she was able to suspend normal teaching and lead class discussions on what the ideal Zoo should be – one or two very good ideas had emerged for consideration.<p>

She watched the Chimpanzee Enclosure rise, with some pride – easily one of the highest structures on the site, it had to completely encompass several trees as well as being securely roofed over with wire netting. Chimps needed the third, vertical, dimension: but it had to be so that they couldn't climb out completely and go looking for a fruit orchard to plunder. Not _those_ chimps. This troop were the All-Howondaland Thieving Champions. Any enclosure built for them was going to have to be secure and a _long_ way away from any commercial fruit-growing operation. She considered the chimps, who currently occupied a suite of cages at the Palace Menagerie. It would be a little uncomfortable and cramped for them but the Librarian, who acted as her liaison with the great apes, had assured her the chimp families had been cramped into smaller and more uncomfortable cages on the voyage over. Even so, they had to come over here quickly – but it just couldn't be today. Maybe in two or three days. She felt thankful the Librarian was looking after their welfare and providing toys, games and bananas for them. And _tea. _By the gallon.

The easiest animals to house, once the double-gated and double-fenced paddocks had been built, had been the big cats. Johanna crossed her fingers that the lions and leopards had been allocated enough space. Even though the Zoo site covered many acres – and she was sure she could buy out neighbouring farmland, in time – it was still finite and there were lots of demands on space. Everything would be a necessary compromise, including allowing enough space for the cats to roam.

_And eventually, _she thought,_ some sort of service roadway system with metalled surfaces. Or this will just be a muddy swamp. Better check the drawings allow for that: I want all public roadways acceptably surfaced. And a service roadway running round the rear, where the public will not see. If we're selling exotic animal dung to Harry King, it needs a place to store it for his gnolls to collect. Ag, would they eat it? Foodstores for the animals. Some sort of coldstore for meat, get a wizard with a chill spell. _

_Wizards..._ unbidden, her mind turned to Ponder Stibbons. She smiled. He'd help.

_And we need a road link to the main road to Ankh-Morpork. There will be so much traffic in both directions. Must ask Mr Gregson how much a good road costs to make. _

Then it was back to the city, and the Animal Management Unit, where she had other commitments. She soon discovered providing tropical fish to a working colleague was one of them. **(1) **And in any case, Ponder had visited, which made the evening sweet.

* * *

><p>"<em>Ag! That much?" <em>she demanded, looking at the estimate. Mr Gregson of the Builders' Guild looked gravely back at her.

"I'm afraid so, miss. Drainage. Under-road infrastructure. You'll need adequate drainage to run off things from the cages, too, as you're talking about hosing them down when they need it. With the sort of visitor numbers you're talking about, good roads don't come cheap and you're looking at three or four miles worth on the Zoo site. But if you don't install the infrastructure and get it right then you won't have a Zoo. You should pay some thought to boreholes, too, artisan wells to draw the water off. Advantage is, after filtering through the ground it'll be cleaner than drawing it straight off the River. And you'll need a lot of water here."

Johanna looked at the estimate again, did some mental arithmetic, and conceded the point. It would be so much easier now, to get good roads established, according to the plan that was evolving in her head. She could see, and had in fact sketched out, several concentric circles delineated by access roads and containing smaller and smaller cages and enclosures, with the animals needing most space right on the outside and progressively moving inwards to central buildings, perhaps an aquarium, an insectorium, a reptile house, a herpetorium... live rats and mice to feed the serpents and reptiles _could_ be bred here, but why not do all that at the Animal Management Unit in town and freight them over...

_Get the roads in place now and it will fix the site. It also means supplies of construction material can arrive in all weathers, and the animal transporters will have a smooth ride._

Johanna winced at the cost, but knew it was inevitable. She'd also have to get gardeners in to landscape the verdammte place... but maybe Vinnie Bellamy could deal with that side.

"Go ahead, Mr Gregson. How much do you need up front?"

* * *

><p>She sighed, and went down to the river to think. Down here, a tributary of the Ankh drew relatively clean water out of the hills, which she considered a waste of its effort, given where that water was going to end up. As it drew nearer the big river, the land got swampier and marshier. The land here had been thrown in as part of the Zoo package, which suited her as it also supported a population of native swamp-dragons. Already, Assassins' Guild students on her Zoology classes had been directed here to build and camouflage hides and to spend hours at a time just watching. Johanna considered this an eminently transferable skill. Unobtrusively watching <em>clients<em> from places of concealment and making accurate observations was, after all, an Assassin skill. And it built up a valid scientific study of the ways and habits of swamp dragons in their natural environment, something Zoo patron Lady Sybil Ramkin was very emphatically in favour of. Johanna wanted this part of the Zoo to be restricted to all except _bona fide_ swamp dragon researchers. She might sanction a public observation point higher up, but here it was professionals only. She made a note: the only building required here was to make safe some of the footpaths through the marsh, to save people falling in. She sat and watched for a while, ideas turning over inside her fertile mind. Swamp dragons fascinated her: there was no real equivalent at home in Howondaland. **(2)** The superbly pointless Osibisian Flying Elephant, perhaps. **(3)** Just as the notoriously unstable swamp dragons could pose a danger to the overconfident who got too close, it wasn't wise to be anywhere on the trajectory of a large pachyderm kept aloft only by scaled-up insect wings. And standing directly underneath an Osibisi posed problems too. In Vondalaans, it was called the _Staannieonderbeeste _or the S_cheissvolifant._**(4) **Johanna didn't think she'd be getting any for the zoo any time just yet.

She smiled, relaxed, and blended into the ground around her, deliberately making it difficult for anyone from the main site to find her. Time enough later for that. She settled down to watch the dragons, which occupied her attention for some time. She took notes, intending to compare her observations later against those made by the Assassin pupils who she knew were in the hides. If their presented work was poor, she would point out to them that just because you have been cold and damp and uncomfortable for three hours, that is no excuse for not watching and observing accurately and intently. Should you ever make it to full licenced Assassin, your mission preparation might _depend_ on accurate observation performed in difficult circumstances for an indefinite length of time. Now you _had_ Saturday afternoon free. Report back to the Zoo at one with a notebook and pencils, and I will tell you when your period of observation ends...

In the late afternoon, she returned to the Guild to deal with routine Raven House issues. She noticed Mrs Bardon, one of the Guild's secretarial staff**(5) ,** had called round during the day to collect Johanna's drafts for replies to official mail received. She approved and signed several routine letters, then noticed the letter from the Campaign For Equal Heights had been retrieved, un-balled and smoothed out. An apologetic note had been added.

_Miss Smith-Rhodes._

_The cleaner drew this to my attention. As it was not in the wastepaper bin she thought it was still a live issue and passed it to me. While I can understand your first reaction and would possibly have done similarly myself, I would counsel that this letter does need a reply. Perhaps if you allow your thoughts to mature for a day or two, I would be happy to prepare your reply for the outgoing mail? _

_Henrietta Bardon (Mrs) _

_Guild Clerical Officer_

Johanna sighed, and re-read the letter. Mrs B was right, of course – it merited the common courtesy of a response. As she read, marvelling at the monumental demanding _arrogance _of the woman, the glimmering of an idea started to work its way up from the recesses of her mind.

_The woman is monomaniac. She learns, possibly from the **Encyclopaedia Morporkicca** or more probably **My First Book Of Jungle Animals**, that there are two types of chimpanzee in the world. And the mere mention of one being the Dwarf Chimpanzee sets her off on her rant and her belief that all things Dwarf are better. But in **my** personal experience of the dwarf chimpanzee, which I **know** to be a lot less superficial, she is going to be dissappointed... _She paused. A metaphorical light-bulb went on in her head. _I am a teacher. Estrella Partleigh is in need of an education. I can provide it. Johanna, you might go to Hell for this, but it will be so worth it. _

She went to work and drafted a gracious letter of acknowledgement to the Campaign for Equal Heights, in which she accepted the points made by Miss P and thanked her most earnestly for her suggestion as to the future direction of the Zoo. She pointed out that the Zoo was in its infancy and priority had to be given to those animal species negligiently imported by Dibbler, without adequate thought as to their care and disposal. As well as this, she had to accommodate those animals formerly kept in the Palace Menagerie, which Lord Vetinari wanted to close so as to release the land for building. She was sure that Miss Partleigh would understand that the animals needed care and secure housing, and that the animals and the people required a degree of protection from each other. She illustrated the idea that the animals needed more protection by pointing to the trade in Agatean medical preparations, which utilised parts of large mammals. Johanna also pointed to the Black Howondalandian tradition of "bushmeat", something her native country had made illegal so as to conserve its ape and monkey populations.**(6)** Therefore the ape population required special protection, something the Guild of Assassins was uniquely set up to provide as part of its reservoir of trade skills.

This would take some time, as she, Johanna, was sure Miss Partleigh would appreciate, but she was prepared to accept a population of dwarf chimpanzees in principle. Perhaps when the Zoo was ready to accept them, Miss Partleigh might like to come to the opening ceremony? As a guest of honour?

Johanna allowed a grin to cross her face. She leant back in her office chair and allowed one booted ankle to cross the other on the desk-rim. This was going to be _**fun...**__ just don't put them in the enclosure next to the regular chimps, or there will be war across the fence. _

* * *

><p>In the following weeks, Johanna consulted her uncle, the Howondalandian Ambassador, for useful information.<p>

Her uncle was inclined to be generous, following the way she had turned what might have been a diplomatic incident into a situation where both Howondaland and Ankh-Morpork had emerged smelling of roses. Besides, he was going to be a co-opener of the new Zoo, as a representative of the nation that had gifted most of the animals to Ankh-Morpork. **(7)** Uncle Pieter, with Lady Frjida at his side, had recently opened the Hide Park Hippo Sanctuary, a spin-off from the Zoo project where it had been accepted that the animals were happy where they were, thank you, and could not easily be moved to the Zoo. Iconographed for the papers in a handshake with Lord Vetinari, he had delivered a speech about Ankh-Morpork's next generation of iconic hippopotami being provided as a free gift from the former colony of Rimwards Howondaland, in recognition of ties of kinship, language, culture and trade. Lord Vetinari had echoed these sentiments, and Pieter had received commendation from the Staadt. (Partly for the public relations work, but mainly for the trade concessions Johanna had suggested were good recompense for the goodwill).

Her uncle was therefore more than willing to give her the names of reputable licenced wildlife dealers back Home who could assist in Project Bonobo, and bring a small population to Ankh-Morpork in a safe, secure and humane manner.

"Bonobos?" queried Aunt Frijda. "They aren't that... _nice_, dear!"

Johanna smiled as her aunt shuddered, theatrically. Her uncle, a man professionally skilled at decoding faces, scrutinised her carefully.

"I'm almost certain our niece is perfectly aware of the nature of Bonobo chimpanzees." Uncle Pieter said, coolly. "A wise man once said that nobody ever made money by over-estimating the good taste and sophistication of the Ankh-Morpork public. I rather suspect Johanna, like me, has been here in this city for long enough to realise the truth of that axiom. I suspect she is seeking to ensure a regular supply of fifty pences per adult and twenty-five pences per child?"

Pieter shared a knowing grin with her.

"Please tell me when the bonobos arrive and they are first exhibited." he requested. "_Especially_ if Miss Partleigh is present."

Johanna smiled.

"I would not deprive you of the pleasure, Uncle!"

Several months passed. Permanent buildings began to rise on the Zoo site to fill their allocated plots on the road layout. Ponder Stibbons assisted Johanna and her students in transferring the University's population of tigers and alligators to the Zoo, a procedure not without incident.**(8)** The University asked if there was space for a couple of dedicated buildings: the Zoo Council allocated the space, although it had misgivings as to the multidimensional aspects of the Unseen University School of Quasi, Para, Neo, Pseudo and Crypto-Zoology. A lioness had cubs and rejected them. Johanna personally adopted a twice-rejected cub with an eye problem.**(9)** There were issues with were-leopards arriving from Howondaland which needed to be thrashed out. And all the time the Zoo buildings grew and evolved. Some animals could safely be left in the original wire-fenced paddocks and runs and enclosures. All that was necessary for the large cats was to provide shelters they could retreat to in the face of Ankh-Morporkian rain and winter. The original colony of chimpanzees received a purpose-built chimpanzee house to supplement their extensive outdoor run. Paid for by the sponsoring Guild of Thieves and designed by one of the more functionally aware members of the Guild of Architects, Johanna approved of the stylish layout and spacious design. She noted a similar, but somewhat smaller, building rising on the opposite side of the Zoo, in an as yet unallocated paddock. It had to be as far away from the larger troglodyte chimps as possible – Johanna had seen at home how the two species clashed if they met, and it wasn't pretty.

* * *

><p>And the Bonobo chimps arrived. Thanks to the clacks running all the way to the City from Jowser Cove <strong>(10)<strong>, she had a couple of days' notice that _The Un-Named, _a ship belonging to a Guild member that often performed fast or clandestine transportation tasks for the Assassins, was on its way into Ankh-Morpork. She knew how fast the Un-Named could travel: it could cut the five weeks to Rimwards Howondaland down to three, with favourable seas and good winds. She'd travelled home on it a year or two before, for an extended holiday.

A day or so later, she was waiting on the dockside with Captain Angua von Überwald of the Watch. Behind her, a Guild ostler waited with a flat-bed cart as the Un-Named, oars stowed and depending on the skill of its helmsman and pilot, glided elegantly into dock. The effect was rather spoilt by the storm of animal chattering audible from its hold and by the lingering odour of the three-week voyage. Angua grinned.

"I always thought Chidder was a bit too smug for his own good" she said, contentedly. "This should wipe the grin off his face."

Johanna smiled too. Although she liked Chidder, as a teacher at the Assassins' School she had a certain distaste for the sort of boy – or girl – who was capable of sauntering through it all without even breaking sweat or seeming particularly stretched by the teaching. It was all one step away from _over-confidence, _to her mind. Still, as she sniffed the air, she reflected that even Chidder could have his days made less easy if you knew what buttons to press. As a surprisingly gaunt and hollow-eyed seaman threw out ropes to engage with bollards, Johanna noted a honey-wagon draw up, one of Sir Harry King's fleet of insanitary carts. The mixed team of goblins and gnolls, plus a couple of human supervisors, waited expectantly with shovels as the gangplank was thrown out with a crash and the figure of Chidder appeared at the top, flanked by two haggard-looking sailors.

"Johanna!" Chidder greeted her, bounding down, but something of his usual devil-may-care insouciance was gone.

"You're here to collect these bloody mon..._apes_?"

"I even brought a cert!" she said, happily. "Safe voyage?"

Chidder winced.

"I'll do this _once_ for the Guild. After this voyage, never again. You'll tell Lord bloody Downey that?"

The sailor standing behind him looked for a second like he was in extreme physical pain. The wince that crossed his face was deep and heartfelt.

"Cap'n, when we've offloaded the cargo..."

"..And hosed out the hold and bilges."

".and hosed out the hold and bilges." the sailor repeated, reluctantly. "The shore leave you promised? We all need a run ashore to Rosie Palm's, some'ing _painful_!"

He paused, and being a honest man, added

"Well, some of the lads want a run ashore to Mr Harris's, but who am I to judge, they got it just as painful..."

Angua suppressed a giggle. Chidder turned to her.

"Ah, my favourite policewoman!" he said, genially.

"Don't push it!" she warned him. "I'm working customs today. Got the ship's manifests? Bills of loading? "

Chidder provided the paperwork. She looked through it, taking her time.

"You're VERY welcome to come aboard and search." Chidder said, his face a mask of innocence. You may dig around in the holds as much as you like. Take a _big_ shovel, though!"

Actually, we brought a clean-up crew with us." Angua said, cheerfully, indicating the gnolls and goblins.

"Es per contrect." said Johanna. "I enticipaeted you might hev a little problem with the cargo, end I know you to be a festidious ship's ceptain, so I suggested Sir Herry send a squed. No charge, you just put one of your ship's officers to supervise them, and they will clean the ship efter the cargo. The Guild is _considerate,_ Mr Chidder. You ere a member, you should realise thet!"

_And three weeks worth of ripe bonobo kack is worth something to Harry. He buys all the exotic animal-shit from the Guild and sells it on at a profit. _

Chidder still looked uncertain. Johanna spoke to him again.

"Guild honour. They are not there to pry, end look in places where you would not want them to look. They are merely there to clean your holds end to release your crew for the run ashore you promised them. A cepeble ship's officer is ell thet is needed to supervise."

Angua supressed a grin. _The Cable Street Particular we've got in the clean-up squad can tell us later which parts of the ship Mr Chidder doesn't want any outsider to look too closely at. Then we can send other people to look more closely later. _

"She's right, cap'n'." the old sailor prompted him. "We just disembark these... passengers... then we can leave these motley lads here to clear up the shit and scrub the hold. None of them look like they're more'n skivvies and swabbies, anyhow."

"Ok" said Chidder. "Unload the animal cages and sign them over to Miss Smith-Rhodes here, then most of you are on shore leave. Who's on fatigues? Bates, keep an eye on the shore squad, will you?" The delegated Petty Officer Batres nodded grumpily, while other sailors began calling orders.

Minutes later, the first of two covered cages was swinging out and over on divots, being gently guided down to Johanna's cart. Covered in sailcloth, muted chattering came from inside. As things it is best not to describe in detail were gently dropping through the bottom of the cage to spatter on the dockside, Johanna and Angua retreated to watch as sailors and longshoremen collaborated in squaring the gages onto the back of her cart.

They stepped a long way aside as thirty or forty hollow-eyed, haunted-looking sailors flew off the ship, some not bothering with the gangway and shinning down ropes, in the rush due Turnwise and then Hubwards from Two Pint Dock to Negotiable Affection, about three minutes' sprint away.

"Clever of Mr Chidder to dock here, wasn't it? The most convenient quayside for the Whore Pits." Angua said, grinning. Johanna smiled.

"Got to bed these fellows in et the Zoo." she said. "Hose them down, give them a couple of days' quarantine so we cen be sure they ere cerrying nothing infectious. Coming?"

"Wouldn't miss it!" said Angua. She looked puzzled for a moment. "You know, that's the fastest I've ever seen a ships' company move after it's been paid off. Even by normal sailor standards, they seemed keen to get to Rosie's?"

"Or to Mr Harris's." Johanna corrected her, totally straight-faced. "Bonobos hev this effect on people. Or so I'm told."

Angua glanced over her shoulder, but saw nothing except a cage which had been thoroughly covered in thick canvas sailcloth. Near her, the animal chittering was muted and low, as if the creatures in the covered cages were apprehensive and fearful of a predator nearby. Werewolves had that effect, even on species that had never met them before.

Smells, however, were coming to Angua's nose that suggested, in their vivid nasal coloration, exactly what it was that was the thing with bonobo chimpanzees. The particular colours involved, in the synaesthetic swirling world of werewolf nasality, were the sort of vivid dark reds that shaded down into a full spectrum of lush purples and purply-blues. These usually only troubled werewolf bitches in one brief and very specific phase of their life cycle and normally needed a trigger – Carrot did it for her, usually. But now she was sensing...

"Johanna?"

"Angua?"

"These mon..._apes.._. they...?"

Angua was lost for words. Johanna, completely straight-faced, nodded.

"No wonder that ship's crew looked so haggard. Imagine sharing a boat... for three weeks... with creatures continually and relentlessly..."

"Nowhere to go. Nowhere to escape."

"No wonder they covered the cages. But they could still _hear_. And imagination is a terrible thing. "

Then both women burst out laughing, unable to contain themselves.

* * *

><p>The day of the Unveiling saw a select gathering of Ankh-Morpork's finest, respectfully kept at a distance behind a red rope in front of the new bonobo house.<p>

A line of Watchmen and Dark Clerks seperated the Gentry from members of the general public – Johanna had insisted as many ticket-buying members of the public as possible should be able to see the new exhibit. Advance publicity had certainly generated a record turn-out, and several licenced Assassins had been detailed to discreetly guard the ticket office while the take was being counted. An Assassin from the day's security detail would ride back to the Royal Bank later to bank the gate.

Johanna smiled to herself, watching Estrella Partleigh puff herself out with pride. She would, in a moment or two, pull the rope that caused the curtain to drop from in front of the animal house. Otto Chriek of the Times was readying his iconograph against the moment, and the select guests were politely waiting. They included Lord Vetinari, who had quietly supported the Zoo ever since its inception, and who sometimes discreetly visited. He would arrive and spend an occasional hour watching one of the social animals - the meerkat colony was a favourite - and then leave again. On one occasion he had interacted with two Assassins' School pupils directed to observe and report, chatting to them in an avuncular way concerning the sort of things they should be observing for. The two pupils had then turned in reports Johanna had not been able to fault at all, concerning the nuances of a power struggle to become Alpha Meerkat of the colony.

Several Guild leaders were also part of the invited group; Mr Boggis of the Thieves Guild, wanting to see this other sort of chimpanzee; Mrs Rosie Palm and several dignitaries from the Seamstresses' Guild; members of the teaching faculty from the Assassins' School and Unseen University; Sacharissa Cripslock from the Times; and representatives of several other Guilds. Her uncle, the Howondalandian Ambassador, was also present, as was fitting for the representative of the nation that provided the animals. Uncle Pieter had a seraphic half-smile as he made small-talk with the Patrician, both of them glancing over at Miss Partleigh at intervals.

Simian chatter grew louder and more obvious from behind the curtain, The excited chatter of Ankh-Morpork citizens anticipating street theatre met them from outside.

And Johanna stepped forward, said a few words of welcome, and invited Miss Partleigh, who had given her the idea, to step forward and make a speech of unveiling.

In other universes, this is an invitation to stand directly underneath the bucket of pig's blood and offal on Prom Night. Johanna had nothing so demeaning and humiliating in mind, but as a teacher, she did feel a need to deliver a lesson. In her opinion, Estrella Partleigh needed to be weaned out of the mind-set that said everything Dwarf was automatically more moral, more ethical, somehow _better_, than things created on the larger, human, scale. In Johanna's experience, things were not so simple. Nothing was; she recalled meeting some of the Dwarfs who managed Rimwards Howondaland's gold and diamond mines, and struggling to find a kind word to say about them. Uncle Pieter claimed that once humans learnt to run mines half as well, and we can start getting rid of the grasping greedy little _scheisskopfs, _we'll be better off. But I never said that, Johanna.

And then there were people she liked and admired, like Cheery Littlebottom...

_A great honour... the enlightened management of the City Zoo, who saw sense and made this possible.. I have always believed that greater nobility goes with smaller size,that Dwarfs in their reticent and restrained behaviour put human morals to shame.. it is without further ado that I declare the Dwarf chimpanzee enclosure OPEN! _

Miss Partleigh stepped back, looking utterly smug, and pulled the curtain. It opened to a tableau of dwarf chimpanzees doing what dwarf chimpanzees do best. Johanna had ordered sixty. Some more had been born on the voyage over. And the one thing bonobo chimpanzees, dwarf chimps, love to do, they were doing in full view of maybe a thousand people who all had direct line of sight. Some of the people at the back even had binoculars and opera glasses.

Miss Partleigh's smug look turned to slack-jawed horror as Otto Chriek called on her to smile for the iconograph.

_Good Gods, Stibbons! What are those dam' monkeys doing?_

_I believe they're, er, copulating, sir!_

_That was a rhetorical question, Stibbons. I know full well what they're up to. It didn't need an answer!_

Cheers and applause rose from the crowd.

"Can't you stop them?" Estrella Partleigh beseeched Johanna, who shook her head.

"It is whet they are _good_ at. It is whet they _do_. It cennot be stopped. When you esked for them for the Zoo, you must have _known_?"

"But it's _indecent_!" wailed Miss Partleigh. Johanna shook her head.

"It is _nature_." she said, firmly. "This is an enimel, not far removed from the human being, which hes made recreational sex its main reason for being. It is perfectly netural for a dwarf chimpanzee to copulate several times an hour, not for the perpetuation of the species but purely for enimel pleasure. I would hev thought you hed researched this, miss Partleigh, end thet you were heppy to go ahead with the ecquisition of this species? "

Miss Partleigh's mouth opened and closed several times, then she turned and stormed off, red with affronted propriety. Johanna shook her head.

"Somehow, I don't think we cen count on the Campaign for Equal Heights to sponsor this enimel." she said, ostensibly to nobody in particular. "A great shame!"

"Oh, I don't know, though." a cheerful and amused female voice said. "Miss Smith-Rhodes, can I prevail upon you to describe to me what's going on? I'm very interested in that interaction in the treetop, just up there..."

"Just ebove thet long string of interconnected bonobos? I count ten... no, eleven now..."

Johanna's eyes followed her guest's pointing finger. She smiled at Rosie Palm, who was backed by several of her ladies (and Mr Harris) , then obligingly gave a narrative description.

"You will see, Mrs Palm, thet male is trying to persuade thet female into sexual activity, but she is either unwilling or resting efter previous exertion. So as a sweetener, he is offering her a gift of bananas, but she is still unwilling. So he has gone away and has returned with enother banana. The female is now showing more interest, although it may elso need the gift of an epple or other edditional item of fruit to convince her..."

Rosie Palm clapped her hands, delightedly.

"These apes are socially advanced, and practice _negotiable affection_?" She laughed.

"My dear, how much will it cost for the Seamstresses' Guild to adopt these remarkable animals? I see there are precedents involving other guilds, after all!"

Johanna smiled.

"We cen discuss numbers later in the day, Mrs Palm. For Mr Harris's benefit, I can confirm those are two males over there who are sharing affection. These are a very sophisticated enimel and have developed other forms of bonding!"

Johanna looked over the crowd. This was reeally going to be a good day.

* * *

><p><strong>(1) <strong>See _**Nature Studies.**_ Johanna refrained from putting anything seriously lethal in Joan's office aquaria, though one tank had a classroom of pirhana fish in it. **(2)**

**(2)** A smaller division than a school.

**(3) **Regard album sleeve designs for seventies African music band, Osibisa, where artist Roger Dean paints elephants with dragonfly wings and dazzling compound eyes. I concede it might be good for the roses but do not stand directly underneath.

**(4) **As in _Van 'n Groot Hoogte Scheissvol Olifant, _or Elephant Which From A Great Height Excretes. Believed to be escapees from the god of Evolution's experiments that were just successful enough to establish a viable population in Howondaland.

**(5) **My first draft put"typist", but then I considered. Has the disc evolved typewriters as well as printing?

**(6) **But she did not add that white Ankh-Morporkians would also eat just about anything they could catch and knock over the head that had meat on its bones, and the natives outnumbered the black Howondalandian population by a thousand to one...

**(7)** At least, this is how diplomacy on the hoof presented it in the press releases to the _**Ankh-Morpork Times**_. See _**Nature Studies.**_

**(8) **This may be a story later. Herding Tigers in Ankh-Morpork...

**(9)** See _**The Discworld Tarot **_chapter "Strength"

**(10)** Like the Mediterranean and the Straits of Gibraltrar, entry into the Circle Sea is via a relatively narrow entrance. The Rimwards part of the Strait is Ell Kinte/Gebra, belonging to Klatch; the Hubwards part is the furthest extremity of the Central Continent. Jowser Cove as as far as humans care to get, even though the ideal observation post to watch for incoming shipping is the Paramountain and Holy Wood. It is believed the wily Vetinari, knowing that advance information about incoming shipping is worth lots of money in the Cities of the plains, has established a clacks post there staffed by Golems, who as a species unaffected by eldrich and unmoved by glamour, perform the double duty of guarding the Paramountain against incursions from the Dungeon Dimensions.


	3. A Taste Of Honey

_Well, I'm back. After dealing with health issues and writer's block, I now have time again for gentler things. Picking up on fanfic ideas where I left off, I note people asked for more **Zoo Tales,** more Crowley and Azaraphile, more **Civilian Assistant**, more S**lipping between Worlds. **_

_I broke myself back in gently by adding to the SatW and Thunderbirds canons. I've added a new chapter to **Slipping Between Worlds. **Let's move on to ** Zoo Tales, **as new ideas and concepts have been mounting up. I saw some interesting nature documentaries on YouTube recently..._

Keeper Grinchlow was a very experienced man with animals. Although he was pushing seventy, he had had a lifetime of tending exotic species. This valuable experience had been built up in over four decades of being a custodian of the animals in the Patrician's Menagerie. He had seen four Patricians come and go, and had been vaguely surprised the fifth, Havelock Vetinari, had lasted as long as he had. Still, that wasn't his concern: he viewed everything else in the Patrician's Palace as being strictly anciliary to the Menagerie. He had been proud of what he and the others had achieved at the Menagerie, and he had, at first, been utterly outraged and betrayed at being told the Menagerie was going to be closed down and its animals and staff transferred to the new City Zoo. An elderly man somewhat set in his ways, Grinchlow had been appalled at the idea of a completely _public_ expanded Menagerie, where members of the public, the _Ankh-Morpork_ public, could pay to enter and view the animals. To him, this wasn't what a Menagerie was _for_. And this idea being floated, that a previously human staff be expanded to accommodate _golem_ and _troll_ zookeepers? To him, this was making a mockery of the whole idea. Animal-proof keepers? You earned your scars with _pride_, for goodness sake. It was only natural that every so often, the livestock would express its feelings about captivity by biting, strangling, poisoning, smothering or spitting venom on you. It was an occupational hazard, and it got you a few stories to tell in the pub and a few free beers when you showed your scars with pride. The whole idea of bite-proof zookeepers was somehow _cheating!_

And then the girl had turned up to sell her ideas to the Menagerie staff, with Vetinari himself having communicated his view that the package be accepted with the minimum of debate and delay. And you didn't gainsay Lordship. So the three Menagerie keepers, himself, Mr Pontoon, and Young Gus the apprentice**(1)**, had sat in a room at the Palace whilst the girl excitedly laid out the new deal to them. He had tried to figure her out. She was an Assassin, yes, but one of the new sort who were springing up: not as stuck-up or as haughty as some you saw, the old school sort. Friendlier, more approachable. This one was young and foreign and had an accent that was hard to follow when she got excited. But it was clear she knew her stuff. And she was offering better pay, more holidays, free Igoring if you got damaged, and other perks. And he wasn't getting any younger. Mrs Grinchlow had urged him to accept.

A group visit to the Assassins' Guild's Animal Management Unit had tipped the decision for him. Say what you like about Assassins, they knew their stuff on the sort of animal species that really interested them, and the girl was both enthusiastic and knowledgeable about her speciality. Even if some of the animals the Assassins took a keen professional interest in were, frankly, the sort that gave him the creeps. But you couldn't fault her teaching and you couldn't fault the enthusiasm of the student Assassins who were going to add their unpaid labour to the Zoo. She had emphasised that the students would need careful supervision and a little training, and would Mr Grinchlow and his colleagues be happy to provide some of it?

Still giddy at the promotion to Head Zookeeper, Grinchlow had accepted on the spot. He still had misgivings about the other people who would have a presence on the site – Wizards from the University, those mad bastards from the College of Heralds, and Thieves' Guild school students – and of course working with bloody Golems and bloody trolls, bunch of rocks and flowerpots – but he knew, deep down in his heart of hearts, that Mrs Grinchlow would flay him alive if he turned down both the pay rise and the prestige she, Mrs Grinchlow, would derive from being able to call herself the wife of the Head Zookeeper.

"_I might get better service from the Dolly Bakery when it gets known that I'm the Head Keeper's wife. That bloody Mrs Weaselplighter from Number Eleven will think twice about putting on her airs and graces, and I might even find they save some of those Quirmian Fancies for me of a Saturday!"_

No, Mr Grinchlow had taken a deep breath, accepted the necessity of change, appreciated that necessary change was cushioned by a promotion and an eight dollars a month pay rise to go with his new status, and had set about helping to make the new Zoo work. He now nominally managed a staff consisting of humans, dwarfs, golems and trolls, although the Golems remained firmly under the management of the Golem Trust and that bloody woman, the one who treated the world as if she were a bulldog sucking lemon juice off a nettle. All he had to do was direct them. And they were bloody marvels when it came to restraining a tetchy wilderbeeste or a rhinoceros with an attitude problem.

And there was nothing like a couple of trolls for shovelling shite. It didn't get to them like it would to humans. Although some of those mad girls from the Assassins' School clamoured to muck out the _cuter, sweeter, _animals and were prepared to roll up their sleeves and uncomplainingly shift any amount of crap. Grinchlow had seen the phenomena before. Young girls who would only tidy their bedrooms at crossbow point were not fazed by a pile of honking shite in a cage, and would get right in there with a wheelbarrow and a shovel.

He winced. They didn't talk much of _cages_ any more. The new-fangled words were _enclosures_, or _habitats. _But having other people to shovel the crap suited him perfectly. All he had to do was to ensure it was all removed to the back service road, which was closed to the public, from which Harry King's boys collected regularly. The girl had even made sure that Harry paid the Zoo to take away the animal dung, rather than the other way around. Apparently elephant and bewilderbeeste dung was fantastic for gardens. Grinchlow had exploited a staff perk, regularly taking a bucket home for his rhubarb and marrows. Which he had to admit were magnificent. And lion, leopard and tiger shit spread over your flowerbeds acted as a deterrent to that bloody tom moggie from down the street clawing things up. People paid Harry handsomely for Zoo dung.

And nobody stole from the Zoo. Or at least not much. The Thieves' Guild had adopted the chimpanzees and the baboons and its school students tended their cages... _enclosures_. Given an interest here, the Thieves carefully policed any non-Guild activity on site. And day and night security was done partly by the Golems, who never slept, and partly by the Assassins' Guild, who vectored students on the Security Consultancy module here for practical experience. **(2)**

* * *

><p>The one area where Mr Grinchlow could be said to be deficient in zookeeping skills was, unfortunately, the Petting Zoo. The concept of providing cute and cuddly and above all pleasant-tempered animals for children to pet and stroke under supervision was one that was wholly alien to him. It had exposed certain regrettable gaps in his knowledge and skills-base.<p>

He had, for instance, reasoned that some of those furry spiders they kept at the Assassins' Guild 's Animal Management Unit would be just the job and would fit the specification perfectly. He had added a few of those appealingly hairy Ghatian millipedes to add to the mix. Unfortunately nobody senior had been on duty at the AMU that day, and for the Zoo's senior keeper to say he was collecting a few animal specimens on Miss Smith-Rhodes' authority had been allowed to pass without comment or examination.

Fortunately, the Guild School's Matron Igorina had been visiting the Zoo, attracted as she was by Johanna Smith-Rhodes' classes having more than the usual degree of danger for the unwary and overconfident student. For an Igor, there was _always_ more than the usual possibility of an interesting injury to attend to. Johanna was renowned for providing Nature Trails for her students that reinforced the fundamental and eminently transferable skill of being aware that Nature was a thing of wonder and majesty, and that the Assassin, when confronted with interesting examples of Nature, should be alert and attentive _at all times_. Inattentive or over-confident students got to see Igorina, sooner rather than later.

Thus she was on hand when the tarantulas appeared in the Petting Zoo, and her Igor senses twanged on seeing what Johanna later identified as the Instant Death Millipede which normally dwelt in the deep jungle of Ghat. Casualties were few, but vocal.

And then there was the thing with the ponies. For some time, the Zoo had kept a few common donkeys and shaggy little Hubland ponies. A self-employed Dwarf keeper, who had formerly worked with pit ponies but who now suffered from claustrophobia, had the franchise to hire them out as rides for children. The understanding was that profits from the rides were shared between the Zoo and the Dwarf attendants. Only a few Dwarfs worked at the Zoo: there had been an early issue concerning the Zoo's rodent collection which, against all expectations for rats and mice, had actually remained static in number rather than grown. The zoo's coypu population had actually shrunk to pretty near zero. Once Johanna worked out what was happening, several Dwarf keepers were sacked and the rest were warned that eating the exhibits would be treated as gross misconduct. A coypu might be viewed, from one angle, as an extremely large rat with a lot of eating on it. To a Dwarf, it would be like a Hogswatch turkey. Johanna thought about the principles involved and reflected the Zoo's surplus of ostriches had been moved to a commercial farming operation and were farmed for meat and feathers, with the profits shared by the Zoo and the sub-contracted farmer. Otherwise, the Zoo would have been shoulder-deep in ostriches. And all rodents, once taken out of the predation cycle, were fast breeders.

She had a discreet word with Gimlet the dwarfish butcher. The two of them entered into a commercial arrangement similar to that concerning surplus ostriches. And coypus and other speciality rodents were now Dwarf-farmed for meat and skins and sold at a premium. The Zoo maintained prime specimens to exhibit: the surplus became a humanely farmed food resource for Dwarfs. But Dwarfs, in general, were not used to the idea that rodents could be bred and exhibited as things of interest in their own right. Dwarf visitors would press their faces against the glass and salivate, seeing a menu, rather than interesting and often rare animal life. She had discreet extra security in the rodent and small marsupial house. You never knew.

The Brown Islands Giant Rat and the Paraquatian Capybara were very popular exhibits with the Dwarfs, who had never seen so many calories on four legs before. Johanna wondered about a controlled breeding programme that might release a limited number of giant rats to the food market. But the capybaras were a protected species. And the other thing was that the Diamond King of the Trolls had suggested sponsoring a purpose-built habitat for troll ducks. This was an interesting thing to consider for the future. But trollish cuisine had lots of interesting poultry recipes. And trolls were bigger, stronger, and more direct than dwarfs.

Johanna put the thought from her mind. Mr Grinchlow had dealt with a smooth-talking salesman who had persuaded him that the additional ponies were just what the Zoo needed and would be just peachy for the Petting Zoo as they would be just great with children.

The Lancre Hill Ponies had caused more havoc than the tarantulas and millipedes.

They had bitten, snarled and kicked out indiscriminately, only being restrained by the golem keepers, entities capable of tucking a pony under each arm and physically removing them to a spare enclosure. But two or three had been saddled up and Ankh-Morpork children had been placed in the saddles. With a whimpering and apprehensive child in each saddle, the ponies had looked at each other and nodded. Then they had taken off, accompanied by screaming children. Johanna reflected that the Watch had still been looking for Algernon Pewdesley a day or two later. The Times had written some acerbic copy. Refunds had been made. Compensation was being negotiated. Johanna, furious, had set about tracking down the Dwarf who had sold the ponies. And she had known _exactly_ where to start.

"No refunds!" squeaked the little man. Like Johanna, he affected Howondalandian bush dress: khaki tunic, baggy trousers, knee-high brown boots, and a broad bush hat. A useful shorthand for keen observers is that while this was superficially identical to Fourecksian bush dress, Rimwards Howondalandians did not pin one side of the brim up to the crown and never hung corks on strings around the brim. And, as Johanna's body language was making abundantly clear, they carried _far_ bigger knives.**(3)**

She scowled and her eyes narrowed. It was body language her pupils had learnt to dread and even her best friends were wary of. She glared at Jethro Webb. In all probability the nearest he'd ever been to Howondaland was in all probability a visit to the Zoo. The fact he was wearing Howondalandian bush dress offended her sensibilities.

"Mr Jethro Webb." she said, controlling her temper. "You are one helf of Webb end Wezir, licenced enimel dealers?"

As if on cue, a chorus of animal noise arose from the cages and sheds around her. Johanna frowned, recognising several individual notes.

"Well, yes, of course! We've dealt with the Zoo before!" gabbled Webb, backing hastily away from an Assassin with a mission. "Webb and Wazir, of Chirrup Lane, dealing only in mundane quadrupeds, strictly _no _magical animals, miss, and we reassured the Librarian we don't do mon... _apes_! Never dealt in apes ever, miss, and strictly no orang-utans! We've never done orang-utans, miss, the Librarian would have them for garters!"**(4)**

Johanna had backed him into a corner, perilously near a large and partly-shrouded cage that she now realised contained a tiger. Caught between Johanna and the tiger, Webb licked his lips nervously and moved closer to the tiger. It took him away from Johanna, who was not in a cage.

"Only quedrupeds, you say?" she inquired, in the sort of restrained and reasonable voice that had people like Alice Band and Joan Sanderson-Reeves covertly looking for cover. "What are those, then?"

Her gaze took in a collection of birds in what to her eyes were pitifully inadequate cages. Webb licked his lips again.

"Errr... if you count two wings as being peds, miss, they're sort of quadro...errr...two legs, two wings...AAAARGH!"

"I'm so very gled to hear you deal in quedrupeds." she said, lifting him by the lapels. Now you cen tell me ebout Lencre Hill Ponies. Where do they come from, did you sell them on, end who to?"

"Errr... Lancre, miss? They come from Lancre?"

Johanna shook him down.

"Do not try to be funny, mr Webb. My name, as I em sure you know, is Johanna Smith-Rhodes. Now if you know me, you will know I hev the secret of persuading large felines to do my will. In a moment or two I propose to let thet tiger out of its cage, es it looks es if it requires some exercise. I cen promise you I will not be hermed or inconvenienced in eny way."

She set him down and added weight to her words by pulling the cover off the tiger cage. The tiger, who knew trouble when it saw it, had retreated to the back of its cage and was trying to look inconspicuous.

Johanna looked at the despatch label and her face creased with distaste.

"The buyer for this creature is Mr Woo Hun Ling, et the Auriental Exotica end Mertiel Erts Emporium on Heroes Street..."

Johanna produced her badge as a Watch special constable. She did not like the idea of Agatean medicines. Not one little bit. But she was in the calm place beyond fury now.

"I cen go on Wetch duty _right now_ end errest you!" she said. "Ceptain Cerrot will know exectly whet cherges to put before the Petrician. Or you can tell me ebout Lencre Hill Ponies. End if the Wetch does not frighten you, the Guild of Essessins has a fifty-one per cdent controlling interest in the Zoo. It does not eppreciate being conned end cheated, end Essessins are ectively pursuing the dwarf who sold the Zoo ponies which were unfit for the purpose!"

The little man's shoulders sagged.

"I can place you now, miss." he said, weakly. "Your uncle used to work for us as a freelance. He was really good."

Johanna also did not like to be reminded about Uncle Balthazar. Formerly known as Howondaland Smith-Rhodes, Balgrog Hunter, he had been a notorious con-man, grifter and bunco artiste. **(5) **It didn't surprise her that he had occasionally worked for a shady live-animal trader. It explained a lot.

"Now listen to me." she said. "You will tell me everything about a consignment of Lencre Hill Ponies that pessed this way recently. I want the full story with no evesions or lies, _skabenga._"

She listened as the account emerged, together with the name and current approximate whereabouts of the Dwarf who had offered to sell the evil vicious little bastards on, hopefully palm them off at the Zoo, squire, I'll do it for twenty percent of the take...

"_Gut_." she said , satisfied.

"Err.. no refunds, miss."

Johanna made a quick decision. Lancre Hill Ponies were rare and a worthwhile acquisition in their own right, so long as nobody ever actually tried to _ride_ one.

"Heppily for you, we will keep them. But _not_ in the Petting Zoo."

She turned to leave. Webb drew a sigh of relief and even the tiger took its paws from over its eyes. Then she turned back, as if forgetting something.

"My golems will be here presently to collect the tiger." she said. She watched the little man wince.

"Tell Mr Woo Hun Ling thet if he objects, I _will_ be on Wetch duty to errest him for illegal manufacture of Egatean medicines, illegal importation of endangered enimels, end cruelty to enimels. I believe the Tanty now serves Egetean food, but only once a week. Or I could formally report to the Wetch. Would you like..." she thought for a moment. "Constabel Jolson breeds cage-birds. I could request her to come and report on the conditions in which you are keeping your stock. Or perheps Inspector Pessimel might like to come end essist you with your accounts end your ledgers. No? Then my golems will come end collect the tiger, which you are of your own free will donating to the Zoo. Good morning, mr Webb!"

The parting shot having been fired, she left on the long walk back to Filigree Street, to advise the Guild investigators pursuing the salesdwarf as to where to look. She was also happy at having saved a tiger from needless slaughter, and that she had put a crimp in the trade in animals to be slaughtered for snake-oil nostrums.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Some time later...<strong>_

Johanna returned from a Guild mission to find the Zoo in turmoil. The Meerkats, a highly intelligent social species, had gone to ground in alarm, behaviour they only manifested if a predator was nearby. The chimpanzees had retreated into the high treetops and looked worried. Even the lions had huddled together for mutual assurance and were looking worried. The hyenas were not in a mood to laugh and appeared agitated. The place was suspiciously empty of visitors. Her beloved pet dogs, Kaffee and Crème, started to pull at their leads. But in a place with many exciting scents, this was normal behaviour for lion dogs. it was why, with them fully grown, she kept them on a lead in the Zoo. After all, dogs belonging to members of the public _had_ to be on leads. It was only right her own should not be exempt.

She frowned and went to find Grinchlow. Shtetl, the golem keeper, found her first. She looked up into the big expressionless terracotta face.

Please report, Mr Shtetl." she invited him.

"Mr Grinchlow Was Persuaded To Acquire A New Species, Miss Smith-Rhodes." the golem said. "I Am Afraid That They Escaped. We Are Actively In Pursuit."

Johanna sighed.

"Take me to him, Mr Shtetl." she said.

She found the old keeper hopping agitatedly from one foot to the other.

"I'm glad you're here, miss. They escaped. They got away! They're loose! Don't panic!"

"Take a deep breath, Mr Grinchlow. Stert from the beginning, if you would." she said.

Well, miss, you know Mr Webb, from Wazir and Webb, the live animal dealers?"

Johanna sighed.

"Whet did he menage to sell you this time, Mr Grinchlow?"

"Well, he thought they'd be nice manageable creatures for the Petting Zoo, miss. And I thought, well, they're called honey-badgers. Something with a name like that had to be the sort of cute and cuddly the kids would just love."

Johanna grimaced.

"Mr Grinchlow, do you see the book on the shelf there? The Illustrated Dictionary of Howondalandian Wildlife? Would you please turn to the section merked "R", end look up the creature called a _Rattel_? Thenk you _so_ much. I will wait for you to finish."

Johanna placidly waited for Grinchlow, a slow reader, to digest what he was reading. At one point his face fell and he said, simply, "Oh.."

She nodded.

"Mr Grinchlow, among my other activities I em a Special Konstabel of the City Wetch." she said. "I pay close ettention to edvice from more experienced Wetchmen end especially to Mister Vimes. Mister Vimes was especially keen to instruct me, end other new recruits to the Wetch, ebout a kind of criminel he describes es a _bottle covey. _Do you know whet a bottle covey is, mr Grinchlow? No? This denotes a beserk fighter. One who once he gets the light of bettle in his eyes, will not give up, will take on people twice his own size, will fight eny number of Wetchmen for the pure pleasure of it, who knows no fear, end will laugh et eny injuries short of a fatal wound. You hev just read a description of an enimel which is the Howondalandian Veldt's bottle covey. It bullies other enimels. It will mug pessing lions for their kills. It will heppily fight a peck of hyenas, who themselves are besterd fighters. It knows no fear end it will take any amount of demage. Even snake venom will knock one out for helf an hour, but it will recover end come beck fighting. I em efraid the words "honey-badger" are in the circumstences something of a misnomer."

Johanna took a deep breath. She checked her Assassin toolkit and selected several working tools. She loosened her machete in its scabbard and unhitched her whip from her belt. Then she thought for a second or two and went to her office and changing room. Some minutes later she emerged wearing chain-mail and graves on her lower legs.

"_Gut._" she said. "Let us hunt _rattel_." She slipped the leads off her dogs' collars and let them bound in front, hoping they would flush out the honey-badgers. It was what they had been bred for - hunting. She also hoped they would come out unscathed. Some minutes later, she encountered a shaken and scared Heidi van Kruger. Johanna studied her fellow Assassin. It took a lot to scare Heidi, but then, she was also Howondalandian.

"Johanna, they chased me up a tree!" Heidi said. "Mr Grinchlow was just about to let them loose in an enclosure in the Petting Zoo. After the business with the spiders, I wanted to make sure. When he said "honey badgers", I screamed "No!" at him and to keep the crate shut whatever he did. We were carrying it over to an empty habitat and looking for a Golem to assist, but they must have been eating their way out as they just exploded through the box... then they went for me. I could hardly get up the tree in time."

Johanna patted her former student reassuringly on the shoulder.

We will stop at the herpetorium." she said. "I need an extreme remedy. Take Kaffee and Crème, they will respond to your call. Try not to let them get into a fight with these verdamte creatures."

"Miss?" said Grinchlow, questioningly. Johanna realised she and Heidi had been conversing in _Vondalaans. _

"Let's make a plen, Mr Grinchlow!" she said, switching back to Morporkian. "Shtetl, I need you to..."

The business of milking the deadly mamba for its venom took minutes of intense concentration, even with a golem holding the serpent firmly. Johanna triggered the bite reflex again and again until the sample jar was two-thirds full. Judging that this would be enough, she stood back as Shtetl released the deadly serpent back into its vivarium and locked the door firmly.

She then rejoined Heidi, and the two Assassins spent a few minutes tipping the hollow blowpipe darts with mamba venom. Then they heard the dogs barking loudly and aggressively, their voices full of pent-up menace, and raced to the sound, preparing the blowpipes as they ran. As they turned the bend in the road towards Llamas, Giraffes and Opakis, they saw the two lion dogs had flushed two spitting, snarling, black-coloured creatures, out of hiding in the shrubbery. For the moment the rattels were at bay, both sides building agression for a final struggle, but Johanna knew this would not last for long; the honey-badger's preferred method of defence was always to attack, and while she thought her Ridgebacks would have the size and weight and edge in the fight, there was inevitably going to be damage. She nodded at Heidi and they ran forward, firing, reloading, and firing again. One of the rattels, its pug-ugly face contorted in rage, piggy little black eyes contorted in anger, its hide bristling with three or four of the deadly darts, screamed hate and leapt straight at her. Two more darts struck it in flight, both hers and Heidi's. Johanna caught the feral stink of the thing as it hit her squarely in the chest, but found no purchase on the chain-mail and fell heavily off to one side. Johanna reeled with the impact, the breath knocked out of her for an instant, knowing she would have a massive bruise by morning. A mahogony-coloured blur leapt across her field of vision – Kaffee, defending his mistress – and she saw the lion-dog taking the rattel by the neck, lifting and shaking it like a rat. Heidi had fired three more darts into the second honey-badger, and it was perceptibly shaking and staggering on its feet. She was also frantically calling Crème to heel. Then the creature slumped and fell, effectively a dead thing in which the dog soon lost interest. Similarly, Kaffee dropped the dead or unconscious creature in his jaws at Johanna's feet. She remembered to praise and congratulate her dog on his bravery and fighting prowess.

And then, at her direction, the golem Shtetl was taking a honey-badger in each arm with the intent of safely stowing them in an empty cage.

"Hurry." Johanna directed him. "These enimels heve an emazing resistence to mamba venom. A dose thet would kill enything else will only knock them out for ten or fifteen minutes."

She and Heidi grinned at each other. They were alive and largely unhurt. That counted for something.

Johanna stripped off her chainmail, and asked Grinchlow to return it to her office. She unhitched the whip from her belt and took a few practice cracks. They echoed loud in the afternoon silence.

"The emergency is now over end you mey re-open the Zoo." she told the old keeper. "Direct the Times to me for a quote. Consult the reference sources for a suitable diet for rattels. Thenk you."

She called her dogs to her, checked them for damage, and found none. She re-attached their leads.

"Are you going anywhere, miss?" the old keeper asked. She smiled, but there was no humour in it. She cracked her whip again. It was an ominous sound.

"I em going to the City to heve a word with Mr Webb and Mr Wezir. Coming, Heidi?"

The other Assassin grinned and followed on.

* * *

><p><strong>1(1) <strong>The Menagerie staff are named in Miss Felicity Beadle's seminal work, **_The World of Poo. _** Mr Grinchlow is my own creation, however: I invented him before Terry Pratchett, writing as Felicity Beedle, helpfully named Mr Pontoon and Young Gus as resident Palace Menagerie keepers.

**(2) **The only serious attempt to steal animals from the Zoo had involved an Agatean crime society, one of the feared _Triang_ gangs, who had attempted to kill and butcher the Zoo's tigers for the lucrative trade in Agatean medicines. A combination of golems and Assassins had conclusively dealt with the intrusion, and the Guild's visiting lecturer in Agatean language and culture, Miss Pretty Butterfly, delivering a culturally appropriate and correct rebuke to the _triang _in question. This involved beheading the crimelord and putting his head on a viewing plinth – with all due style - with an Assassins' Guild compliment slip clenched between the teeth. After this, Commander Vimes of the Watch has since made a very obvious point to all concerned, by vectoring Night Watch patrols to the Zoo to emphasise a point concerning law and order and who administers it in this city. The Assassins are happy for Vimes to do so, as this adds an extra layer of security.

**(3) **Johanna had once won the "Call _that_ a knife?" game with a Fourecksian by bringing out her jungle machete and politely saying "No, I call _this_ a knife!"

**(4) **Wazir and Webb are listed in** t_he Compleat Anklh-Morpork, _**the newly released and indispensable directory of clubs, Guilds, temples, traders and services available in Ankh-Morpork. (Transworld Publishers, released November 2012) Wazir and Webb, Licenced Animal Dealers, are based in Chirrup Lane,just off Syrup Yard, nearby to Traders' Gate. Did I mention the new book has an updated and much more detailed City Mapp in it?

**(5) **See my story **_The Black Sheep, _**which deals with the wider Smith-Rhodes family and especially the roguish Uncle Baal.


	4. Scorpionae and things

_**Zoo Tales**_

_More animal handling shennanigans in the city of Ankh-Morpork._

_The second half of the story is not original. But in this context it HAD to be done...Ankh-Morpork deserves its take on a classic comedy sketch. _

Wednesday afternoon at the Assassins' Guild School was usually devoted to sports, especially competitive sports with an aura of danger and excitement about them. The Wall Game would be in full flow, supervised by one of the older, keener, masters, vicariously recalling his own student days at the Guild _when he didn't have a care in the Disc. _Mr Nivor or the Compte de Yoyo were the usual supervising teachers; Miss Band helped out if a girls' team was playing. Alice Band normally spent her Wednesday afternoons drilling the School edificeering squad for its annual grudge-match against the Thieves and other Guilds. It had begun as the Boggis-Downey Cup For Edificeering Excellence; then other Guilds had diffidently asked if they could join in. The Steeplejacks' Guild was now a third player, and the city's Extreme Sports Society also competed for the fun of the game.**(1)**

Other Guild teams, supervised by teachers, would be competing in various leagues across the City. _Foot-the-Ball_ was popular; Mr Bradlifudd, the PE master, was also a keen convert to Llamedosian Rules Foot-The-Ball which he held to be great Assassin training in those extra-curricular skills such as biting, gouging, mauling, fouling in the line-outs, and not being seen doing it by the officiating Druid. That afternoon, the Assassins Guild were playing Ankh-Morpork Llamedosians away at Old Coathanger Elk Park.

More conventional sports, such as hockey and lacrosse, also figured. Teaching assistant Ruth N'Kweze was quietly relieved to have drawn a rock-solid excuse not to participate. She considered that taking teams of girls from the Assassins' School and the Thieves' School, and putting them on a sports field with great big sticks, was not _that _wise a move. She also reflected that lacrosse had been invented by the Central Howondalandian Red Indians as a means of fighting wars and settling differences without actually killing anyone. Any injury short of permanent maiming was held to be acceptable, however.

Ruth smiled. She was indoors and in the warm and performing essential teaching tasks. It certainly beat all those Wednesday afternoons as a school student, when she had been shivering in skimpy sports clothing, unable to believe how cold and wet Ankh-Morpork was in winter compared to her native Howondaland. And she'd made the essential mistake of demonstrating her physical fitness and hand-eye co-ordination were well above average. She'd been considered a essential part of the School hockey squad because of her tirelessness and her ability to escalate a gentle trot forward into an all-out charge sweeping all before her, wielding her hockey stick as though it were a battle knobkerrie. Well, she _was_ a Zulu, one of a race that taught its young people how to move and fight from an early age.

But these days, Wednesday afternoons promised to be more sedate, even if she had to spend them at the Fools' Guild. At least it was in the warm and dry. Well, dry, anyway. The Fools had heard about the concept of central heating and dismissed it as a weakening and corrupting influence.

The lecture hall at the Fools' Guild was rapidly filling. Johanna Smith-Rhodes waited at the podium, her notes sorted into order, knowing Ruth would be capable of running the iconograph slide lantern and projecting the pictures onto the screen. Johanna had been asked if she could fit in a teaching consultancy at the Fools' Guild; she had agreed, partly for the experience, and partly because the new students the Guild had been persuaded to take would need every help they could get. The Fools paid generously for her time, and it amounted to no more than two or three Wednesday afternoons a month – the ideal day, as classroom-based teaching was suspended for the afternoon to allow for Sports. Johanna had taken sports lessons on Wednesdays, but like Ruth, she was also from Howondaland, and preferred being indoors in the rain and cold.

Johanna looked across the benches in front of her as they filled. She was impassive, forcing herself to hold back a deep instinctive shudder at the sight of blocks of distinctively dressed Clowns, Jesters, Conjurors, Dorises, Minstrels, Troubadors... and the other sort... who were all settling down, seeming glad of a break in their usual routine, some looking expectantly at her. It was a riot of colour, if you liked that sort of riot, and something of a spectacle, if you liked wearing those sort of glasses. Here and there were more specialised or culturally appropriate clowns, such as the _macsboes_ from Llamedos, who wore garishly clashing red and green motley, and waved a giant inflatable leek as a badge of office.**(2)**

She idly wondered what the collective noun for a group of clowns was. A _trauma_ of clowns? An _aversion_ of clowns? She nodded at a couple of Dorises she knew, the all-purpose conjuror's assistants, trapeze artistes, knife-throwers' targets (one or two of whom were visibly bandaged), and the group of solemn-looking trainee Dorises they were shepherding. They had been allowed to wear long cloaks over their skimpy leotards, a concession not just to warmth but to modesty, lest they inflame the lusts of clowns and distract them from their studies. Johanna sighed. This first influx of girl students to the Fools' Guild was one of the reasons why she and Ruth were here today. **(3)**

But there was an immediate purpose...

"Good efternoon!" she announced, beginning the lecture. "My name is Johanna Smith-Rhodes. I normally teach et the Essessins' Guild School next door. I hev responsibility for the Guild's Enimel Menegement Unit, end I hev a lot to do with the City Zoo. I em here today to present a lecture in Nature Studies End Zoology for Fools, Clowns, end all essociete trades."

She let her eyes play over the one occupational group, who had been directed to the very front benches for good reasons, to whom she would be directing a lot of her lecture. These were more drably dressed than the others, and tended to be long, thin, sad-looking people dressed in close-fitting black. Not Assassin-black, but a drabber, sadder woebegone-looking black. Their faces were pale and rubbery and if their hair had not started as black, it had been dyed that colour. Incredibly, there were several women among them.

"I will instruct you in those enimel species you will need to be ewere of in your careers. First slide, please, Ruth."

The massed clowns reacted with an "ooh!" as a fine example of _Leiurus quinquestriatus, _presenting a fine example of mesosoma, was projected on the screen at many times lifesize. Its variegated lime-green legs contrasted vividly to its black body and tail.

"The five-striped smooth-tail." Johanna said, neutrally. "This is found in Kletch end the surrounding countries. Its eight legs cless it es a member of the _erechnid _order of enimels. We keep a colony of these, for breeding purposes, et the Essessins' Guild. Its common name is the Deathstalker Scorpion. There is one other place in this city where a thriving population is found. I shell come to this shortly."

She smiled at the assembled Fools' Guild.

"Its sting is ebsolutely lethal, elthough not instently so. People stung by a Deathstalker tend to linger, in horrible pain, for up to a day prior to expiring of _envenomation_. Now I begin with this enimel, which by the way is _not_ the most venomous or dangerous scorpion, for a reason. So far, nearly two thousand species of scorpion hev been discovered on the Disc. More are being identified ell the time. Most of these, if they sting you, will cause symptoms ranging from mild discomfort to searing egony. But you will survive. Only ebout fifty species are known to cause fatelity in people. None of these is in danger of extinction. Next slide, please, Ruth!"

The next slide was a map of the Disc with the sort of shading that makes people remember geography classes and shudder.

"Distribution of scorpion species." said Johanna. "Es you cen see, they ere found on ell continents, elthough there are few native species here in the Centre, end those lergely hermless to people. The heaviest distributions are in Fourecks, which hes most of ell; in the desert belt countries such es Kletch end Hersheba. The jungles of Howondaland, Ghat end Peraquat hev a respectable distribution of species. Egetea hes several. My own native Rimwards Howondaland comes perheps third, efter Fourecks end Kletch, for quentity end lethality of its native scorpions."

As the slideshow progressed, Johanna noticed quite a few clowns were looking distinctly queasy. Good.

"The stenderd work on Fourecksian wildlife is _Dangerous Mammals, Reptiles, Amphibians, Birds, Fish, Jellyfish, Insects, Spiders, Crustaceans, Grasses, Trees, Mosses, and Lichens of Terror Incognita_. Volumes seventeen to twenty-three inclusive cover scorpions. I recommend this to the interested student."

Johanna remorselessly went on to cover extremely interesting scorpion species such as the _Euscorpius Magii, _traditionally utilised as a promotion method at Unseen University. During most of this time she observed the white-faced and black-dressed mime artists.

"Here in Enkh-Morpork, ownership of scorpions is strictly controlled end licenced, by decree of the Petricien." she said. "I hold a licence for my work et the Enimel Menegement Unit. I propose for you to visit, in small groups, over the next month."

She smiled again.

"The Guild holds a licence ellowing steff end students to work with scorpions. A similar group licence covers the Zoo, where a range of erechnids are safely held in ceptivity in conditions which ere safe enough to ellow the generel public to visit. The University hes trensferred its scorpion-related ectivities to its Zoo campus. I believe the Erch-Chencellor was _most_ insistent this should heppen. Now these ere two of the three places in this city where large scorpion populations are kept. Perhaps the ladies end gentlemen in the front row here cen hezerd a guess es to the third?"

She looked, expectantly, at the mime artists, who shuffled their feet and looked away. None answered. One, bolder than the rest, steepled his fingers, looked at her, and raised an eyebrow. She smiled. _There's always a joker. _

"Very well mimed, sir!" she said, approvingly. "And thet very cleverly illustrates the unevoideble fect thet the third major population centre for scorpions in this city are the pits end dungeons beneath the Petrician's Pelece. I menege the contrect to breed end provide scorpions end serpents for the Petricien. I cen testify, heving seen them, thet the enimels kept et the Pelece are well-tended and thriving in en environment which is ideally suited for them. Lord Vetinari employs me es a _consultant_ on these metters. I found it interesting thet the scorpion pits all hev a sign nailed to the wall, which is upside-down, seying _Learn The Words. _I do not pretend to know whet thet means. It is possibly one of Lord Vetinari's intellectual jokes."

She smiled and allowed this to sink in.

"Having femiliarised you with the ways end hebits of scorpions, you now know to recognise them by type end species. I em reliebly told the best defence, if unfortunate enough to be thrown into a scorpion pit, is to stand, sit, or lie _ebsolutely_ still end allow them to consider you es pert of the furniture, es en uninteresting thing thet they will crawl end welk over end otherwise disregard. Motion end movement ettrect them, end from their point of view, a creature es huge es a human elerms them end is a threat to be dealt with. They ere simple-minded creatures, and view ell else es either _prey_ or es _predator_. Either way, their response is the same."

Johanna smiled at the mime-artists again.

"But I em sure a well-trained mime artist, whose body is his tool, will hev the muscle control end the self-discipline to lie still and motionless for however long it takes, regardless of how many scorpions are ettrected to the warmth to be found inside his trouser leg. Myself, I would not care to try it. Now, moving on to snakes end serpents..."

Johanna liked her lecturing work at the Fools' Guild. She had been asked to make her teaching specific to the particular requirements of Fools' Guild members. She was obliging in spades.

* * *

><p>Back at the Zoo in the early evening, Johanna caught up with any issues requiring her personal attention. She heard reports from the two veteran head keepers, Mr Grinchlow and Mr Pontoon. Everything seemed routine. But...<p>

"Is there enything _wrong_, Mr Grinchlow?" she asked politely, recognising the signs. The old keeper was shuffling his feet and looking a little bit shifty.

"Well, miss. It's young Gus, the apprentice. We took the decision to send him down to Wazir and Webb's with a golem and a cart, to pick up the new ocelots what have just been imported..."

"He's fit, miss. We thought he was _ready_ to do a collection job on his own." added Pontoon.

Johanna thought quickly, and decided to go through three possibilities that had occurred to her. Or more. You never knew, with Young Gus.

"How bad are his injuries?" she asked.

"Oh, he wasn't injured, miss. Not as such." Grinchlow assured her.

She nodded. Ocelots could bite, but were generally a safe risk to transport if securely caged.

"Hev the enimels been receptured?" she inquired, moving on to Possibility Two. She was experienced enough to know what questions to ask. The next one, had the answer been "yes", would have been "Who got hurt?" closely followed by "Can I expect a visit from the Watch?" and "What has the Times printed about this?"

"No, miss. No animal escape. They all got back here safely, and the new animals are in quarantine for the moment."

Johanna winced. That left only one possibility. Young Gus was inexperienced. He was young, cheerful, and naïve. Which added up to "mark" for many people in Ankh-Morpork.

"Mr Grinchlow, what bed bergain did Mr Webb persuade Young Gus to ecquire for the Zoo _this _time?"

Grinchlow swallowed, nervously. Mr Pontoon, the Deputy Head Keeper, edged away from him.

"You'd better come and _see_, miss."

Johanna looked down at the thing in the Aviary cage.

"It's a very _relaxed_ parrot, isn't it, miss?" Young Gus said, nervously. "Mister Webb said they tend to sleep a lot. NoThingfjordian Blue, miss. Marvellous plumage, isn't it?"

The parrot was lying on its back with its feet in the air. Johanna was resisting a strong desire to pull it out of the cage and belabour young Gus around the head with it.

"Mr Ettercop." she said, with slow exaggerated politeness of the sort that made her students duck for cover. "Augustus. Or mey I cell you _Gus_?"

"Be honoured, miss!" said Young Gus, who in matters of self-preservation was somewhat slow on the uptake. Grinchlow and Pontoon took an involuntary step backwards.

"Gus. Are you eware thet perrots, in the main, come from tropical jungles in places like Ghat, Peraquet or Howondaland? NoThingfjord is distinguished by its being a cold end sub-Hublendian place. There is, in fect, a complete leck of tropical jungle end hebitets where a perrot would be et home end comforteble. Is it possible, do you think, that Mr Webb took edventege of your trusting nature, end the fect you were sent unsupervised to his premises?"

Her glare took in the two senior keepers, who shuffled away from her.

Johanna continued, calm and remorseless,

"End the fect this bird is lying on its beck with its feet in the air end is ebsolutely motionless. Does this not tell you something, Gus? Does it not communicate something of importance? Some little _clue_, perheps?"

"Errr..." said Young Gus. "Mr Webb told me it was pining for the fjords, miss."

"Pining for the fjords..." Johanna repeated, incredulous. A few Assassins' Guild pupils on late duties had gathered round at a safe distance, to appreciate the street theatre.

"And Mr Webb said it was tired and sha... er, _tired,_ after a prolonged squawk."

Johanna took a deep, deep, breath.

"This perrot is _dead_, Gus!" she exclaimed, feeling unaccountably ridiculous for saying it. She felt this was not enough.

"It hes expired! It is no more! It's deceased!"

"Well, yes, but apart from that, what's wrong with it?" Gus asked.

"It's _dead_, thet's whet's wrong with it!" she exclaimed. She felt she was on a roll. "I know a dead perrot when I see one, end I'm looking at one right _now!"_

There was a long pause.

"Are you sure it's not just resting?" Young Gus asked, hopefully.

"Gus, this perrot is _deceased_! I could take it out of the cage end wave it around a bit end try mouth-to-beak resuscitation or cardiac massage on its breast, but none of those things would work, because it is _dead_!"

"Well... could we take it to an Igor, miss?"

Johanna had resisted the temptation to get an Igor vet on the staff. She'd seen them at work; she just didn't know whewre these things would end.

"Gus, even if en Igor put four thousand volts of lightning through it, ell we would heve would be a charred and burnt corpse!"

"Maybe it's just pining?"

"NO, Gus! It's not pining, it hes _pessed on_! This perrot is no more! It hes ceased to be! It's expired and gone to meet its maker! This is a late perrot! _Ek is todt!_ Bereft of life, it rests in peace! Its metebolical processes are of interest only to whoever cerries out the autopsy! It hes hopped the twig! It hes shuffled off this mortal coil! It hes run down the curtain and joined the choir invisible! Death, the Elpha end the Omega, hes celled to collect! This... is an _EX-PARROT!_

Johanna paused for breath after her exertion and glared at Young Gus.

"Besides, the holes in its feet suggest it hed been _nailed_ to something." she added. Assassins were taught to observe.

"Oh, for some reason it had been nailed to its perch", Young Gus said, helpfully. "I thought that was _cruel_, miss, and you wouldn't approve, so I took the nails out. Then it had a bit of a lie-down."

"Lad, I think we'd better replace it." Mr Grinchlow said, kindly.

Johanna nodded, empahatically.

"Take it beck to Wazir end Webb." she said. "tell them from me that if we do not get en ecceptible exchange or a refund, I will visit _personally, _ with extreme prejudice. Got thet?"

"Yes, miss" said Young Gus.

Wazir and Webb were the only live animal dealers in the City; the Zoo was forced to deal with them. This had led to several situations where the animal dealers had tried to take advantage.

Johanna took a deep breath.

"The boy's inexperienced, miss." said Mr Pontoon. "I'm sure he'll grow into a good keeper."

"He hed better hed!" she said, fuming.

* * *

><p>The next morning, Young Gus was sent off on his mission. This time he returned, having exchanged the deficient bird, with a far smaller cage.<p>

"What's that, lad?" Mr Grinchlow asked him, kindly.

"Oh,Mr Webb was very apologetic." said Young Gus. He give me an exchange. It's a slug."

"A slug." said the old keeper, flatly. How was he going to explain _this_ to the girl? She was _frightening_ when she was worked up into a temper...

"Yes! And what's more, it can _talk_!" Young Gus said, proudly.

Mr Grinchlow did the face-palm-slap thing.

"Come on,lad" he said, kindly. "Fortunately she's at the Guild school all day today..."

* * *

><p><strong>(1) T<strong>he previous summer, Commander Sir Samuel Vimes, Duke of Ankh, had surprised everyone by entering a City Watch edificeering team. Alice Band did not like to be reminded of this, and nor did Miss Steffi Gibbet, her opposite number at the Thieves' Guild School. Watchmen who could edificeer were, to Steffi, what predatory cats who could climb trees were to the Librarian. This tale has been plotted and may come soon...

**(2)** The_ macsboes_ had evolved as a licenced Druidic clown, whose function was to tell unfunny jokes, attend _pel-y-droed _games so they could ritually intone "I was there!" afterwards, and lead the ritual invocation of OGGY OGGY OGGY! (OI, OI, OI!) . In Llamedosian culture, it was considered bad luck not to laugh at jokes made by a macsboes, or to fail to join in with the chant or the umpteenth singing of the solemn hymn _Sospan Fach. _They are a sort of priest-clown and are given great honour among llamedosians, when they cannot be avoided.

**(3)** See my story _**Clowning is a Serious Business, **_to which this could be considered to be a postscript.


	5. The Guided tour, part one

_Well, I'm back. After dealing with health issues and writer's block, I now have time again for gentler things. Picking up on fanfic ideas where I left off, I note people asked for more **Zoo Tales,** more Crowley and Azaraphile, more **Civilian Assistant**, more S**lipping between Worlds. **_

_After the serious "{{Your mother is a great big hippo!}}" moment, where a computer glitch lost the entirity of a new chapter of** The Civilian Assistant, **I am moving back to ** Zoo Tales **for a while**, **to get down on paper some of those new ideas and concepts have been mounting up. Now the serious buzz-word in zoos, museums and collections these days is **Interactivity.** How would it work in a Discworld context? _

_PS - the lost episode of **Civilian Assistant **is backed up on Human Brain v1.0. I just need to download it to system again – and this time keep a computer back-up..._

_I even drew a fan-art to go with this. It will prove necessary. _

One of Ponder Stibbons' many responsibilities was to oversee work on the University's overspill research and development facility, in the Thaumatological Park. As the University, especially its less energetic Faculty members, had loaded so many roles and responsibilities on him, Ponder could not be everywhere at once and he had a job keeping up with his schedule. He'd petitioned Mustrum Ridcully to get him a personal assistant, some sort of secretarial help.

Ridcully had listened sympathetically. Ponder knew the chances of Ridcully consenting to the expense of hiring a new member of staff especially for him were vanishingly small. But he could at least _try. _

He sighed, philosophically. Doctor Schrðdinger, the nominal Director of Technomantic Studies at the Thaumatological Park, had also petitioned Ridcully for some sort of secretarial help. Ridcully had also heard him out sympathetically. Then Rdcully had said he'd been approached by the Palace, who had valued potential employees they couldn't place in Palace service yet but were reluctant to lose. Could the university find a clerical job for a _very able_ person?

"You'll be pleased to know we've got you your secretary, old chap!" Ridcully boomed, full of bonhomie. "Couldn't _quite_ fit her in here at the main university campus, but she comes fully reccomended... Lord Vetinari was keen for me to take her on, and you don't disappoint Havelock!"

And so Ammonia Maccalariat had arrived**(1)**, a terror and a scourge to young Wizards, the only blot on many blissful careers. She was a young Maccalariat who had yet to blossom into the full glory of the mature version, but, as Ponder reflected, some cures could be worse than the disease. And she proved there was a new generation of the family coming up. Ponder wasn't certain if there was an inexhaustible supply, but he certainly wasn't going to call more attention to _his_ need for secretarial assistance, just in case.

The Thaumatological Park generated revenue for the University, dealing as it did with the practical everyday applications of magic. The famous Disorganisers were built here. The same imp-operated technology was used to power iconographs, shavers, loudhailers, pop-up toasters, and other useful consumer goods. Two-dimensional Flatland imps were being bred here to provide built-in security for the new banknotes. Voice-activated security locks were made here.

After discovering that if an omniscope was broken, all the shards remained in contact with each other, thus generating hundreds of omniscopes for the price of one, this had been investigated in a more methodical and deliberate way. In strict secrecy, the City Watch had been presented with an air-traffic control system, by which a master omniscope could tune into shaped fragments carried by Air Police pilots. They could stay in constant touch with an Air Traffic Controller at Pseudopolis Yard, communicate updates and receive new instructions practically instantaneously without needing to return to the yard. Plans were afoot for Watch patrols on the ground to have similar technomancy. A Watchman in trouble could receive very fast support, and the bonus was if the devices were stolen, they could be traced very quickly. They had built in location-finding, after all. Victor Tugelbend was experimenting with that in liaison with the Air Police, and could be counted upon to get it right.

Ponder was in the secure unit that bred and trained imps for their duties. This was a completely sterile area where every precaution was taken to ensure no contamination got in or out. Wizards working in here were under strict orders to wear overshoes, walk through a disinfectant solution at the door, surrender their street robes and hats for clean white lab-coats and simple white pointy hats, which were only to be worn in the building. Wizards working in here were encouraged to be clean-shaven – not difficult for the new generation of young graduates – and to keep long hair tied back or tucked under a hairnet. Ponder had refrained from putting anything other than a simple _Warning: Thaumatological Hazard_ notice on the door, with emphatically no exclamation marks on it. He had also had a good long think about the principles involved, and added a handwritten notice saying _Advanced Testing of New Accounting and Financial Management Impware v1.121(b). Accountants' Guild members on the premises._

This doubly insured against Mustrum Ridcully, or any other member of the Faculty, barging in off the street in day clothes with beard flying everywhere, breathing into the breeding vats and poking things with nicotine-stained fingers. He thought of Ridcully's reaction if requested to change outer clothing and wear a hairnet and beard-snood, and shuddered.

No, the sort of things a Wizard could initiate by sticking his dirty great hands into a magically sensitive environment... it did not bear thinking about. **(2)**

Ponder could hear an advanced class of Imps being taken through a rote-learning session. A student wizard had been placed in charge of reading the script to them and ensuring they could repeat it back, word-perfect. Generally speaking, once an adult Imp had learnt its duties, they stayed learnt. Imps were not innovators or creative thinkers, having in the main been bred and trained to perform a limited range of functions. Although Ponder had heard that a possibly malfunctioning imp which had started life as the _IntelligenceInside _componentof a Disorganiser bought for Sam Vimes, had spontaneously developed creativity, initiative, and active intelligence. That was not meant to happen. The Imp had even accepted a name – _a name!_ - and was now a member of the City Watch in its own right. Given Vimes' track record with previous models of the Disorganiser, Ponder suspected the key factor might have been fear of terminal bodily disincorporation, combined with just enough practical intelligence to think quickly when confronted with oblivion. It was another thing to ask his old friend Victor Tugelbend, who was effectively the University's man in the Watch, so far its only Wizard-Watchman. **(3)**

Ponder frowned. A little part of him was beginning to feel uncomfortable at the idea that he was colluding in a sort of slavery. He'd seen the aftermath of the enslaved goblins in Howondaland, after all. **(4) **Was it morally right to breed a sentient species – well, intelligent to a given value of "sentient" - and chain them into technomantic devices, to be operated until the imp vaporised or otherwise died? He'd discussed this with various trusted people, including Victor Tugelbend, and his as-yet-unannounced fiancée Johanna Smith-Rhodes. **(5) **Johanna had listened sympathetically, and said that this was the reason why she did not want any creatures in the Zoo who were capable of human-level sentience, it just raised too many issues. It was the secondary reason why she had expressly forbidden the Zoo to acquire any orang-utans. **(6) **And she wondered about the chimpanzees and gorillas, although they were all pretty much contented to have an easy life in captivity with all the bananas and soft fruit they could ever hope for, along with waiter service to deliver them three times a day, full room service, and no predators able to get at them. To the chimps, zoo life wasn't so much captivity as house arrest in a five-star hotel. Then she'd taken him for a chat with Assassins' Guild chaplain, Canon Clement, the nearest thing the Guild had to a teacher of ethics and moral philosophy. **(7)**

Clement had listened gravely, and then poured three glasses of _mampoer. _

"It's the right time of day." he said, passing them round. "I have_ witblits, _Johanna, if you prefer?"

"I will stick with _mampoer,_ thenk you, Clement." she said She turned to Ponder.

"It is a treditional drink in my country, Ponder." she said. "Distilled from the _marula_ fruit, or from peaches, sometimes with the _guava_."

Ponder had an uneasy feeling that this was the Howondalandian version of scumble. He didn't speak much _Vondalaans_ and certainly no Zulu, but suspected the label on the bottle had a line advising not to let the drink come into contact with metal.

Clement said, conversationally, that a small glass aided relaxed thought in the early evening. Johanna agreed.

"The drink is so named because a past Paramount King, Mampuru, issued a decree that only the royal household and their guests could consume it. _Mampoer _is the Boor version of the name. " he remarked. "Happily, I belong to the royal household, and you are my guests. If this is your first glass, Professor Stibbons, I would advise caution... ah, I see you require no warning."**(8)**

He composed himself.

"I can see the ethical dilemma your work has put you in." he said. "But if, as I understand, the imps are bred for the purpose and a necessary component of their breeding is that they are predestined from creation to be happy in the work they do, then so long as they are kept healthy, treated with care and consideration and not over-worked, then there is no cause for concern. After all, the ox is bred to be a beast of burden. The common cattle is bred so as to be milked daily, and ultimately to become meat and leather. The responsible herdsman tends to his herd, feeds them, sees to their safety, and drives off predators. From the cow's point of view, this is perhaps an acceptable trade-off. If a bull escapes being converted to an ox at such a young age he does not miss what he loses, then he has an easy life and his choice of the cows. Do your imps reproduce...? Never mind, we can explore that later. It is interesting you raise the example of a single imp that went beyond its breeding and developed such self-awareness that it chose a name. You may need to bear this in mind, perhaps? This indicates the species strives and is on the threshold of a greater sentience. Then you may need to re-think the issues involved."

Clement took a reflective sip.

"Of course, a sure pointer to a species having achieved sentience is when for whatever reason, the Guild accepts a contract on one of its members. It is thought of as_ unseemly_ for a contract to be raised on a mere animal, after all. Another _mampoer,_ Professor? No?"

And Ponder accepted good advice, although the issue of finding out if Lance-Constable Gooseberry was unique, or a messenger of things to come, still exercised his brain. So far, Gooseberry seemed to be the only one – recalling other imps from his batch for quality control had revealed nothing out of the ordinary.

The current technomantic challenge was pretty near resolution. With a bit of luck, several prototypes would be available for trialling. A lot of money hinged on this: if the idea worked, the Zoo was prepared to buy at least a hundred. The Royal Art Gallery was also interested: if the Zoo version worked, the Art Gallery would also be interested in acquiring a significant number, adapted to their own needs. And then there was the Archaeologists' Guild Museum, the Dwarf Bread Museum, even the Guild of Merchants... the eventual cash tally could run into six figures. To Ponder's mind, that was welcome: but the thing needed a rock-solid patent, which meant a Lawyers' Guild fee. And above all, the technomantic challenge of making the concept work...

A young student wizard walked in holding a large wooden box.

"The prototypes, Ponder." he said, diffidently.

Ponder grinned a relieved grin.

"Any problems?" he asked.

"We've ironed out some of the more _obvious_ flaws." the young student said, looking slightly shifty. "But it'll take a few field tests to be absolutely certain. Before your gir... before Miss Smith-Rhodes starts renting them out to the general public."

Ponder considered the issues. The first field test was provisionally scheduled for that afternoon. A select group of influential people had been invited to the Zoo to trial the new innovation. What was the worst that could go wrong? The invited guests were fairly techno-savvy, after all. Commander Vimes wasn't among them. And they couldn't break down in any _catastrophic_ or _life threatening _way..

Ponder found himself crossing his fingers.

* * *

><p>Later that day, he met Johanna at the Zoo Gates. A student wizard had been detailed to carry the box. <strong>(9).<strong> Ponder reflected on how the Zoo complex now appeared to start some way outside the Gate and paying turnstiles. You left the old City by the Hubwards Gate. About a mile and a half out, the suburbs of New Ankh faltered into more and more green space, although there was a certain amount of ribbon development going on along the main Sto Lat road. You turned off onto the New Zooological Gardens Road, and after another half-mile or so, you started spotting things. The extensive Ostrich Farm over to the left, a profitable co-operative venture between the Zoo Trust and a savvy local farmer who had given up more conventional fowl. Without predators and given space and food, the Zoo ostrich population had grown unmanageably. The surplus were now farmed for meat and feathers.

Then on the right, a part-time Watch House that Commander Vimes had insisted on. The Watch ran frequent patrols into the Zoo, if only to keep an eye on the Guild of Assassins and to emphasise who the Law were around these parts. Next to that, there were the Zoo offices, looking like any other suite of offices around the Disc, but with discreet protection, if you knew where to look. The _Protected By The Guild of Assassins_ sign was prominent, in a non-showy kind of a way. Opposite was the large gravelled area set aside as the Coach Park and Horse-Bus Turnaround; the wizards' taxi cab turned off at this point and trundled in here. **(10). ** After charging the bill to the University and getting the all-important receipt, Ponder and his student walked over to the Zoo Offices, carrying the box between them. Johanna greeted him warmly.

"You've got them?" she said, excitedly. "End they _work_?"

"That's what we're here to find out." Ponder said, confidently. But she was already reaching into the box, through the layers of packaging. She pulled out a rectangular black box, which had push-button settings on it. She tapped it with a finger.

"Ouch!" said a tiny voice.

"Imp-driven." she said, doubtfully. "like a _disorganiser_. How does it work?"

"The principle is very simple." said Ponder. "We began with a Disorganiser, but stripped out the un-necessary features for this application. The imp inside is one bred for extreme memory capacity. This is important, as it has had to absorb a lot of specialised information very quickly. Once learnt, the information is retained."

The student wizard coughed, diffidently.

"But these prototypes will need to be _synchronised_ with their environment very quickly, so therefore, a full walking tour of the entire Zoo is mandated. They have been shown iconography, but have not yet encountered the real animals."

Johanna nodded.

"Cen they be progremmed for lengueges other than Morporkien?" she asked. "We hev lots of visitors from Quirm end Kletch and Egetea."

Ponder shook his head.

"We're working on it." he said, "But that will need a lot more memory capacity. We _could_ begin with a blank Imp, _tabula rasa_**,** and teach it in Quirmian or Agatean or even Vondalaans".

Johanna was fiddling with the stethoscope.

"End this?" she enquired.

"We got the idea from Doctor Lawn." Ponder said. "Nothing technomantically tricky. The single end of the stethoscope plugs into the device here. The two free ends – and we do accept there will be a need to provide new earplugs in between people using them - go into your ears. Perhaps you'd care to try?"

johanna plugged in the stethoscope at Ponder's direction. He showed her the "On" and "Rewind" buttons. To Johanna's surprise, a low and distinct voice began to speak in her ear.

_Welcome to the Ankh-Morpork City Zoo. Thank you for selecting the Soundy Walks-With-Man-Or-Indeed-With-Woman Or Walks-With- Gendered Creature Of Choice. I hope the experience of a walking tour of the Zoo, which I estimate will take two hours, will be enhanced for you by my running commentary. Should you wish to skip bits, please push the "pause" button and the tour will resume from whichever Habitat, Enclosure or Cage you choose to stop at. Please ensure my viewing window is not obscured as holding me to the nameplate of the appropriate creature will enable me to retrieve species-data from my memory banks. Thank you."_

There was a rounded glass panel in the front of the apparatus. Johanna looked down and could discern a very small imp with a grossly enlarged cranium giving her a grin and a very small thumbs-up.

She looked questioningly at Ponder.

"Let me guess." she said. "Leonard of Quirm decided on the name?"

Ponder sighed. "He_ is_ a consultant on the Project, yes." he admitted.

"Cen it pley music, Ponder?"

"It could." Ponder conceded. Although we haven't got much past..."

"Bingley-bingley-beep!" the Imp helpfully said, in Johanna's ears. She winced.

"Monophonic notes." he finished. "Sorry, the "bingley-bingley-beep" thing seems to be built in. We can't seem to breed it out yet, however advanced the imp. And if we ever produce polyphonic sound or sound reproduction – we're a long way away from that yet – there are Guild of Musicians implications. We really don't need their sort of complications."

"Good enough." Johanna said. "Kiff, in fect. We shell wait for our other invited guests. Coffee, Ponder? And you, Mr Wizard? You'd better take these Zoo guidebooks es well, while we wait. Study the mep of the Zoo."

* * *

><p>The Zoo Tour continues in the next enthralling chapter. Look, I actually drew a real actual <em>map<em> to go with this. It took time. It's on my page on deviantArt, OK? Look under my other name of "AgProv".

* * *

><p><strong>(1) <strong>See my story **_The Civilian Assistant, _**which concerns the plague of Maccalariats exploding over the city and where the wily Vetinari sent them.

**(2) **See **_The Science of Discworld 1, _**where the Dean says "let there be light..."

**(3) **See my story **_Moving Pictures: The Sequel, _**in which Victor, like many a misfit before him, ends up in The Watch.

**(4) **I have written elsewhere on the possible aftermath of** _Snuff. _**This led Ponder, reluctantly, to Howondaland. Future chapters may happen, perhaps one where Johanna introduces him to her family. Which leads us to...

**(5) **Mustrum Ridcully had advised Ponder and Johanna not to go public just _yet_, as the Lore still said Wizards could not marry and stay active in the profession. "Some narrow-minded bugger might use it to force you out, lad, and I'm not havin' _that! _I'm workin' on gettin' Conclave to acept a Lore change, but it might take time yet. I have to get 51% of all graduate wizards agreein' to it, for one thing..." Johanna, who made an informal study of Wizard social habits and politics, was prepared to wait. She _did_ note the Lore allowed Wizards all the_ instead-of-maritals_ they wanted. It only, seemingly, became an issue when marriage and children became mooted.

**(6) **The primary reason was of course the fact she wanted to remain on good terms with the Librarian. Even though an Assassin should be capable of working out how to inhume anything, she rather thought there were limits to her ability, and her limit was red-haired, simian, and went _"ook!"_

**(7) **But this was ethics and moral philosophy for** _Assassins..._**

**(8) **Ponder had seen the sort of things fellow Wizards were prepared to drink. And he'd been to Lancre and encountered scumble. He theorised, and was soon to be proven right, that Howondalandians preferred big full-bodied robust drinks. Mr Mericet classified _mampoer _and _witblits_ as borderline lethal poisons.

**(9) **There were compensations to being a Faculty member.

**(10) **Ponder was now growing older and more experienced, especially in the matter of the University's taxi-cab account.


	6. The Guided Tour continues

_**Zoo Tales 6: The Guided Tour Continues**_

_"_Welcome to the Ankh-Morpork City Zoo. Thank you for selecting the __**_Soundy Walks-With-Man-Or-Indeed-With-Woman Or Walks-With- Gendered Creature Of Choice._**__ I hope the experience of a walking tour of the Zoo, which I estimate will take two hours, will be enhanced for you by my running commentary. Should you wish to skip bits, please push the "pause" button and the tour will resume from whichever Habitat, Enclosure or Cage you choose to stop at. Please ensure my viewing window is not obscured as holding me to the nameplate of the appropriate creature will enable me to retrieve species-data from my memory banks. Thank you."__

"Oh, I say! How clever!" Lady Sybil Ramkin exclaimed, as she listened to the imp's instructions. "And do I just hold the box in my hand as we walk around?"

"As you see, Lady Sybil, there's a clip on the back of the box." Ponder Stibbons said, smoothly. "All you need to do is attach it to your belt, or your lapel, with the imp's viewing window outwards so it can see what you're looking at."

"_Derek." _said a little voice. _"My name's Derek. Not just "the imp"." _

"_Derek?" _Ponder said, sharply.

"_It got given me by Skanky Pete." _the imp said, loudly enough for both Lady Sybil and Ponder to hear. _"He give us all names when he was training us!" _

"_Too right!"_another little voice piped up. It belonged to the imp-box attached to Sacharissa Cripslock's waist. "S_kanky Pete said it made him feel better and it livened the class up!"_

Ponder Stibbons had a mental image of a cheerfully scruffy student wizard who he suspected had elevated dumb insolence to an art-form. He made a mental note to have words later. Self-willed imps were not exactly _ideal_...

"So what's your name, then?" Sacharissa asked her box. She seemed amused.

"_Cheryl."_ said the imp. Derek the imp sniggered.

"_Shut your face, you. I happen to **like **Cheryl, OK?"_

"So some imps are female?" Sacharissa asked, interested.

Ponder did the face-slap thing. Imps were meant to be gender-neutral. Weren't they? They were sort of _spawned,_ weren't they, in the breeding tanks... he'd have to ask the wizards who ran that side of things.

"_Well... some of us resonate better to girls' names. We're more tuned in to our feminine side, sort of thing."_ Cheryl said, defensively.

"If we're ready to begin the tour?" Ponder said, hurriedly. "Miss Smith-Rhodes, will you lead the way?"

Johanna Smith-Rhodes suppressed an amused smile, and ushered the VIP's out of the Zoo office, where the usual sort of tea-and-biscuits reception had been laid on for the guests. She knew a lot was riding on this demonstration, not least a good write-up in the _Times_ and the _Inquirer. _As a Zoo benefactor and member of the Trust board, Lady Sybil's continued good favour was also an asset.

"We will commence just outside the main gate." she said. "Thet way, the imps cen begin the running commentary right from the beginning. Professor Stibbons?"

"Please insert the two buds of the modified stethoscope into your ears." Ponder said, smoothly. "This will allow the imp to speak directly to you in a low inobtrusive voice while not blocking out external sounds. This way, you will still be aware of what is going on around you and your attention will not be distracted from any emergency situation that may arise. This is a deliberate safety feature."

"Very wise, if the idea gets taken up for walking tours of the City." Sybil approved. "I can see Sam getting a little bit _acerbic_ if somebody wearing one of these were to walk into the Shades and not pay attention."

"This _stethoscope_ thing." said Derek Jameson, editor of the _**Ankh-Morpork Inquirer**_, doubtfully. "If you're planning to rent these out, then any number of people are going to wear them in the course of a day, right? So what happens if..." although not a fastidious or sensitive man, Jameson shuddered. "if the last person to wear it before me was, for e.g., _Nobby Nobbs_?"

Sacharissa paused in the action of inserting the second bud into her other ear. Even Lady Sybil looked thoughtful for a moment.

"We have taken this into consideration." Ponder said, with practiced aplomb. He'd anticipated this question. "If you take a moment to assure yourselves, the actual bud that fits into the ear is detachable from the tube. In between users, a fresh and disinfected set can be installed. The previously used set will be thoroughly cleaned in a disinfectant solution."

He paused, considered the example of Nobby Nobbs for a moment, and realised this wasn't nearly enough.

"In extreme cases, a soiled set can be disposed of and a brand new set installed. The health and safety of Zoo visitors is of course of paramount importance."

This appeared to reassure, even though a little imp voice shouted

"_What about **us**, mister? I've heard of Nobby Nobbs too, you know!" _

Ponder hurriedly moved on.

"The imps have three settings, each of which will give a running commentary in a vocabulary designed to suit the needs of the user. A simple sliding switch on the side of the pod, or box, governs this. At the moment they are set to Basic Morporkian. This is a general setting intended to accurately convey information at the Everyman level, using a minimum of complex scientific terminology or advanced vocabulary.

"The intermediate level addresses the needs of visitors with a higher level of general education who can absorb more complex and detailed information.

"The third setting is Academic, designed to address the needs of people who would appreciate a more in-depth scientific commentary going into greater detail. Miss Smith-Rhodes helped write this script, assisted by other members of the Zoo staff and suitably qualified academics. At present, the language is Morporkian only, although we hope to introduce other-language versions for visitors who would prefer that. Errr. Mr Bashfullsson has a prototype version which allows for a limited commentary in Dwarfish, although at present the prototype only allows a Dwarf-language version covering Rats and Rodents."

Bashful Bashfullsson nodded his appreciation. A respected Grag and spokesdwarf for his community, he had been invited to test the special prototype. He had been amused that his imp wore a miniature mail shirt and horned helmet. Dwarfs were an important revenue stream for the Zoo. Johanna hoped to educate them out of a cultural perception that rats were nothing more than a food resource. It was a hard slog. Dwarfs tended to go to the rodent house and drool, seeing it as an animated gourmet menu.

"Shell we begin?" Johanna said, brightly. "We are now leaving the front gate end will commence the tour here. Please take a moment to femiliarise yourselves with the controls. The imps will key to the location end begin en eppropriete commentery."

"One question before we start." Doctor "Doughnut Jimmy" Folsom was the City's premier vet and acknowledged equine expert. "This, er, name. The __ "___**Soundy Walks-With-Man-Or-Indeed-With-Woman Or Walks-With- Gendered Species Of Choice".**__ Bit of a mouthful, that. You might want to call it something snappier?" _

"You're right there, Jimmy." agreed Cut-Me-Own-Throat-Dibbler. As the Zoo's Head of Marketing, his specialised point of view was quite often a profitable asset. Steered in the right way, his ideas added value and profit.

"I mean, this box is a pod, right? You might call it a..." Throat Dibbler paused in concentration. ""Soundy-Walks-With-Man is a bit too Leonard of Quirm. Call it an I_mp-Pod,_ or something. Yeah, that'll do. _Imp-Pod._ I like the sound of that. Nice snappy name."

Johanna smiled. Getting Dibbler as her marketing man had not been a mistake.

"Of course, if you use it I want a percentage." Dibbler added, hastily. "Fifteen per cent, and that's cutting me own throat."

"We'll discuss this later, Mr Dibbler." she said.

"And these black tubes and ear buds are all very well but they don't stand out. I know a man, miss. If we get them done in another colour, say in white, so they stand out, they'll be an accessory. Everyone'll want one."

When Dibbler had an inspiration, it paid to listen. Johanna stored the idea away for future use.

__We are currently standing immediately outside the Zoo's main entrance. To our left, you will see the coach park and public omnibus terminus. The coach park is guarded by troll security and is additionally protected by the Guild of Assassins, who run frequent and inobtrusive security patrols for your comfort and convenience. You may see one of our Troll Coach Park Attendants___**(1)**___ on duty at the entry barrier, who will be pleased to take your parking fee and allow you to park up, although do be sure your horses and carriage fit inside the white lines as penalty fees apply for improper parking. __

__Over to your further left, you will see the ostrich farm, run by Mr and Mrs Mackover of the Guild of Farmers. In a necessary collaboration of Science and Agriculture, they are pleased to farm ostriches originally surplus from the Zoo for meat and feathers. The free-range ostriches are humanely kept and allowed an environment as close as possible to their native Howondaland. The common ostrich, ____**Struthio Camelus, **____was so named because its long neck and bloody-minded expression reminded early explorers of the camel. However, ostriches can only do basic mathematics and are not good at long division or calculus...__

"I say. Jolly informative, isn't it!" said Lady Sybil.

"I tried ostrich meat at _Le Grenouille Heureux_ the other week." Jameson agreed. "It was pretty good!"

_… _and do take time to try our free-range eggs, described as the fifty-four minute boiled egg with enough yolk for the whole family. Ostriches when freed from predators are notoriously fast-breeding, and selling the surplus birds for meat, plumage and eggs has brought a new range of dishes to the Ankh-Morporkian cuisine. The Mackovers are poised to receive several breeding pairs of the Fourecksian Emu, ___**Dromaius novaestokerrigiae, **___which it is hoped will add variety and interest to their poultry business. Eggs and meat are on sale at the farm shop, over to your left.__

__Moving on, before we ____enter the Zoo proper, please take a moment of reverential contemplation at the shrine dedicated to the God of Evolution, situated to our right. This caused a certain controversy among the religious community, with other churches expressing strong objections, but was held to be a pragmatic installation as this God has the greatest affinity with the purpose and philosophy of the Zoo. Indeed, the God himself is a regular visitor to the Zoo, and has been seen debating the theory of evolution with adherents of other religions who take a more Creationist approach. Anyone encountering such a debate is advised that the cut-and-thrust of scientific and philosophical discourse can sometimes become a little robust. Please stand well back. Lightning conductors have been installed as standard. __

The party passed through the turnstiles.

__To our right, the Zoo's suite of administrative and managerial offices. Members of the Guild of Thieves are politely advised to note the signage indicating that the Zoo's security functions are managed by the Guild of Assassins, who will vigorously prosecute any activity held to be detrimental to the public wellbeing. You will also see the part-time Watch House built here, at the consequent insistence of Commander Vimes of the City Watch.__

__To our immediate left is the Petting Zoo, where young visitors are encouraged, under supervision, to get close to the exhibits. While there have been little accidents in the past, all animals exhibited in the Petting Zoo are chosen for good temperament, non-lethality, absence of venom, and general demeanour. The swamp dragons have now been relocated following the latest unfortunate incident, but there is always a good selection of friendly, attractive – and relatively harmless - creatures for the kiddies to delight in. __

"Petting a swamp dragon's always been a bit of a Zlobenian roulette". Sybil Vimes remarked. "They can be lovely docile little blighters with the kids, really sweet and good-natured, but there's always going to be some frightful child who'll feed one a firework to see what happens. It's not their fault they can sometimes explode."

Sybil had Firm Views on dragon-abuse. Sacharissa, who had reported the incident for the _**Times**,_ smiled and remained silent.

The layout of the Zoo was a series of concentric ovals, with those species requiring most space at the outside, progressing down to the smallest habitats in the central concourse. Johanna led the party along the Rimwards walk, which had deer, large bovines, and equine species. She judged that her party would appreciate the large vegetarian species, and this would be a trouble-free stage in the tour. Besides, the walk came out at the Swamp Dragon Project, which she knew was Sybil Ramkin's most favourite part of the Zoo. Give Jimmy Folsom a chance to look in on ponies, zebras, and (stretching a point) okapis, and he'd be onside too.

__Opinion is divided as to whether the Zebra is a white animal with black stripes, or a black animal with white stripes. The world of zoology has been divided into two opposing camps by this vexed question for many years...(2)__

Doughnut Jimmy frowned. Surely it was clear to anyone that a zebra was a a white creature with black stripes? He looked again and frowned. Or not... the party walked on.

__While the Swamp Dragon Project is generally closed to the public, there is an approved viewing position to our right, overlooking the naturally marshy area adjacent to the river which is the natural habitat of these creatures. Members of the public, whilst not having the privileged viewing positions granted only to accredited researchers, may observe from a distance. If you have not brought your own telescope, these may be rented for a modest sum. The Zoo Trust extends thanks to the Duchess of Ankh for her generous donation which enabled the Project to be set up...__

Lady Sybil explained, at length, to the members of the touring party concerning what they were looking at and the best places to look for elusive swamp dragons from the Zoo's slump. Several people were looking politely glazed before she finished.

__We are now entering the domain of Crypto, Quasi and Mythological Animals. To our right is the distinctive modern research building housing Unseen University's unique Zoology department, who look after animals such as the 0.303 Bookworms, the Ambiguous Puzuma, Ridcully's Epithetical Insects, and more dangerous animals such as the Klatchian Basilisk, which require careful and diligent handling. Regrettably, the bulk of this collection may only be viewed by prior appointment and under trained escort. Indeed, the Basilisk itself may only be viewed indirectly through an arrangement of mirrors and smoked glass screens. Guided tours occur frequently throughout the day. Please refer to the signboard for times and details. However, the College of Heralds finally found a permanent home here for its renowned collection of heraldic animals, and their premises are over to your left. The first creature you will see is the Cameleopard, a rather confused creature which is half-camel and half leopard. This is not a natural creature by any means, and it is thought that it is the result of one of the Gods having a bloody good laugh. __

__The excitingly modern buildings housing the University and the College of Heralds were designed by eminent Quirmian architect Jean-Marie Le Courvoisier, a man renowned for his exciting and innovative approach to design and his commitment to style.___**(3)**___ So far none of the windows have fallen out, and we are assured the roof only leaks a little. __

Johanna listened to the running dialogue, set at the Basic level, as she wanted to know what the majority of Zoo visitors would hear as they toured. She frowned. Whoever Skanky Pete was, some of the scripts he'd given his imps required fine-tuning. The Guild of Architects would complain, for one thing.

She sighed, and reset the imp to the Academic Discourse setting, hoping it would be a lot better.

__Ouch! s__aid a tiny voice. But its tone was now that of a dry academic, a more professorial and assured delivery, as if addressing a lecture theatre.

__The _**Djel crocodile**_ (Crocodylus Djelibeybianus) is a Klatchian ____crocodile____ and the second largest reptile in the Disc, after the ____Kimono Dragon____. The Djel crocodile is quite widespread throughout ____Klatch and Howondaland____, occurring mostly in the Central Sea region around the Djel delta, and more Rimwards parts of the continent, and lives in different types of aquatic environments such as ____lakes____, ____rivers____ and ____marshlands____. Although capable of living in saline environments, this species is rarely found in saltwater, but occasionally inhabits deltas and brackish lakes. The range of this species stretches hubwards throughout the Djel, as far Hubwards as the Djel ____ delta____. On average the Djel crocodile is between thirteen to sixteen feet, weighing around 900 lb. However, specimens measuring twenty feet in length and weighing 2,000 lb are not uncommon. They have thick scaly skin that is heavily armoured.__

_The Djel crocodile is an opportunistic __apex predator__ and a very aggressive species of crocodile that is capable of taking almost any animal within its range. They are __generalists__, taking a variety of prey. Their diet consists mostly of different species of __fish__, __reptiles__,__birds__ and __mammals__. The Djel crocodile is an __ambush predator__ and can wait for hours, days and even weeks for the suitable moment to attack. They are quite agile __predators__ and wait for the opportunity for the prey item to come close within the range of attack. Even swift prey are not immune to attack. Like other crocodiles, Djel crocodiles have an extremely powerful __bite__ that is unique amongst all animals and sharp conical __teeth__ that sink into flesh allowing for a grip that is almost impossible to loosen. They can apply high levels of force for extended periods of time, a great advantage for holding down large __prey__ underwater to drown._

_Djel crocodiles are very social crocodiles. They share __basking__ spots and large __food__ sources such as schools of fish, big carcasses, and unwary swimmers. There is a strict __hierarchy__, that is determined by size. Large, old males are at the top of this hierarchy and have primary access to food and best basking spots. Crocodiles know their place in the hierarchical order and rarely act against it, but when they do, the results are very bloody and sometimes even fatal. Like other reptiles, Djel crocodiles lay __eggs__ to reproduce, which are guarded by the female. The __hatchlings__ are also protected for a period of time, but hunt by themselves and are not fed by the parents. The Djel crocodile is one of the most dangerous species of crocodile and is responsible for hundreds of deaths of __humans__ every year. It is a very common species of crocodile and is not endangered, despite vigorous attempts by the current Djelibeybian administration to cull its numbers. Several millenia of being regarded as a sacred and divine animal provide a weight of inertia which is hard to overcome, and the fact the species remains sacred to the crocodile god Offler provides an additional reason for Pharoah Ptraci to go slowly in her stated goal to "make at least some bits of the Djel safe for swimming, or at least paddling" You will note the shrine to the Great God Offler immediately adjacent to the enclosure. This is tended by the Temple of Offler, who regularly send novice priests and seminarians here for field training... _

Johanna tuned out as the imp made an obligatory reference to the Offlerian church. She wondered if building in the occasional advertising message was _necessary, _even if it kept the religious heirarchy on side. The imp smoothly drew attention to the collection box for donations to further the charitable work of the Church, with another advisory to Guild of Thieves members about leaving it well alone. She flicked the button back to Basic Morporkian.

"_...and that enormous evil great sod over there is the undisputed bull croc, who we named Dios after the head bastard who ran Djelibeybi for so long until the Assassins' Guild took an interest. The alpha female is named Ptricia, after the High Priestess of Sardok."_

She winced. Pteppicymon XXVIII (Viper House) had been acting independently of the Guild and no contract had been involved, although the Guild had not been slow to take some of the credit afterwards and hail it as one of the greatest inhumations ever concluded.**(4)** She noted the script needed to be corrected ,and resolved to raise it with Ponder later.

She exchanged a greeting with the two novice priests who were currently attached to the Zoo, who were doing their module in Sacred Animals. This involved securing part of the holding tank, draining it, and shovelling crocodile dung into wheelbarrows. The habitat had been designed so that it could be safely drained and cleaned by sections; the Temple of Offler provided the manpower for this, supervised by a trained keeper and supplemented by any Assassins' School students Johanna had identified as being over-confident or in need of remedial correction. She smiled. Not _every_ erring student could be sent on the Vimes Run. She had found the Zoo offered a variety of interesting tasks for students who were getting a bit _slack_.

_Moving on, we come to Aquatic Mammals. The Zoo boasts an impressive selction of otters, voles, shrews, Vermine, and other amphibious riparine creatures..._

On cue, a mother otter led a group of recent young to the water. There were appreciative noises from the female members of the party. Johanna reflected on the universal love for cute furry babies which set in around age five or six, peaked at perhaps twelve, and which women never completely lost. It made for very good PR.

"It is possible to tame otters." she said, to Sacharissa. "Et least, to a given velue of "tame". They can be taught to trust a known human end come to the hend to feed, end they will tolerate some hendling end stroking. Caution is edvised, however, es the teeth ere very sherp. It is sometimes possible to displey them in the Petting Zoo with especially docile individuels who are hebituated to humans. However, I find it edviseble to heve a keeper with them."

The mother otter dived into the water, followed by the cubs, slipping in smoothly and leaving transient rings of bright water.

"Do they hunt for live food?" Sacharissa asked. "Or are they hand-fed?"

"Thet ertificial stream is fed from the nearby river." Johanna said. "We heve a fish-ferm on site to breed live food for those enimels who eat fish. Some people find it distasteful, but the creatures must live in ceptivity in es near a state es possible to their wild lives. Hunting for live fish keeps them fit end elert. We supplement this diet with dead prepared fish, _ja._ This builds a bond with their keepers."

"Do any escape?"

"The otters or the fish? Some fish make their way into the river through the security grilles. Eccess to the river is barred to the otters, elthough fish end small marine life cen swim through."

"And that river over there..."

"Flows downstream into the Enkh, ja. Elthough the Enkh, thenkfully, does not conteminate the water this far from the City. We do heve some of the _unique _meritime life from the river Enkh under very special keeping. It is pert of en ongoing research programme, into how life meneges to persist in even the most inhospiteble conditions."

"That has got to be... interesting..." Sacharissa said, doubtfully.

"Specialised, certainly." Johanna agreed. Simulating the river Ankh's unique ecology was a challenge. Students who would fight among themselves for access to the cuter and cuddlier animals saw Ankh Ecology as a punishment assignment. With good reason. Although more scholarly members of the Guilds of Dunnikindivers and River Dredgers took a professional interest in what sort of life could survive in _those_ sort of conditions. The research project also had its own dedicated Golem keeper, who had formerly been a working unit owned by the Dunnikindivers **(5)** for _really_ tricky jobs. Any student Assassins assigned to assist were ones who had _really_ annoyed their teachers.

Penguins, sacred to the Goddess Patina and sponsored by her Temple, provided the usual distraction. A keeper was feeding them fish and made a display of feeding for the visitors. **(6)**

_The penguin is a very confused bird which can only fly underwater. In the future, the Zoo hopes to be able to provide viewing windows underneath water level,so that this animal can display the underwater grace that it conspicuously lacks on land... _

The party moved on around the outer concourse. Here, the Zoo kept its large predatory animals, as far away from their accepted prey species as it was possible to contrive. She relaxed. Timber wolves, hyenas, leopards, lions and tigers were spectacular and popular creatures. Followers of the Goddess Dike were entranced by the social structure and habits of the hyenas kept by the Zoo. **(7)** But she winced at the Basic Morporkian description provided by the imp. She wasn't the only one; Grag Bashfulsson laughed appreciatively, Lady Sybil whistled and said "I _say_!" and Sacharissa was trying, unsuccesfully, to keep a disapproving look on her face.

"Ponder." she said, decisively. "Hev a quiet word with this Skenky Pete fellow, would you? This bit _definitely_ needs re-writing!"

"Definitely." Ponder said, his face scarlet. "no argument there, Johanna! They've gone off script _really badly_ here."

She fielded a shrewd question form Sacharissa about whether the policy of feeding live animals to carnivorous exhibits applied to tigers as it did to otters. Johanna winced. Sacharissa Cripslock had a habit of asking suddenly difficult questions, like a stiletto in the dark from a good Assassin. _Which she could have been. She approaches her vocation with the mind of an Assassin. _

"We considered it." she said, honestly. "But feeding is often done in sight of visitors. People who would not be concerned et en otter taking a live fish would be distressed to see a peck of lions taking their preferred prey. Irretionel, yes, but we do not need bed publicity end eccusations of cruelty. Elso, the large prey enimels lions take in the wild are not defenceless. Lions ere veluable enimels, end if they misjudge, they cen be wounded or even killed. Let us say we were fool enough to put a buffalo in with them end ellow both species to take their chences. A buffalo cen gouge with its horns. Even en eland or a zebra hes powerful hooves to kick with. We find it easier to provide cercesses. Prepared meat."

They worked around through Big Cats back to the Hubland Bipolar Bear; Johanna noticed with approval that the medication appeared to be working and the creature was at the median point in his cycle. A golem keeper noted that He Is Off The Suicide Watch, Miss Smith-Rhodes.

Kangaroos, Wallabies, Koalas, Drop-Bears and Other Marsupials followed. The Purdeighsislandian Demon bounced off several walls in its reinforced cage, snarled at them, and then resumed its eternal bickering with the honey-badgers in the next enclosure. Johanna again wondered about seperating them. Placing two of the most belligerent creatures on the Disc in neighbouring habitats was inviting trouble. She had once witnessed a Llamedosian Rules Fifteen-A-Side Foot-The-Ball match between representative sides from Fourecks and her own Rimwards Howondaland. For two national sides named after placid and retiring national animals, there had been a lot of bruising, crunching, gouging and bloodshed. She had speculated better names might be the _Purdeighsislandian Demons_ and the _Rattels. _**(8)**

She left the animals to exchange taunts and cries which she imagined would translate as _"Sez who, you Howondalandian poofter?"_ and _"Go voetsaak yourself, you Fourecksian moffie!", _and the group moved on.

They visited the apiaries and aviaries, which her colleague Davinia Bellamy drily described as _The Birds and the Bees_. Davinia was a botanist, but approved of bees for their industrious pollination of her plants. Besides, the honey yield was usually pretty good. Davinia had chosen the landscaping plants with care, along with species-specific flora for the habitats. The Zoo kept an apiary with twenty or thirty different bee species, which were allowed free range in the area. Bad news travels fast: the resident bees avoided things like honey-badgers, bee-eating spiders and birds **(9)**, and the Agatean Giant Hornets (a species that loved to eat whole beehives) were under maximum security in the insectorium. **(10)**

Johanna discussed the Republican Bees, an endangered species whose social habits did not generally help this. The Republican Bee kicked out its monarchy and tended to sit around in committees performing intricate voting dances to award themselves more honey. Davinia had seen the problem, and asked a couple of witches to help in an interdisciplinary project. Via the witches, she had presented a proposition for the bees to vote on, accepting that it needed a fifty-one per cent quorum of all mature bees which were past the larval stage and eligible to vote, subject to annual review, plebiscite and referendum. The motion placed before the Hive was that the outmoded designation of Queen be discarded as the product of an oppressive monarchical system. However, every Republic needed a First Among Equals, _primus inter pare, _who could be designated President, General Secretary, or Comrade In Charge of Egg Production And Larval Management, according to the Five Year Plan for beeswax, pollination, and honey production. All in favour vote "aye"?

This, Johanna had agreed, had been a stroke of genius. The Republican Bees were now industriously pollinating, collecting, building honeycombs and refining the product, even if it was a bit bland. And the bee colonies were thriving wonderfully under the care of dedicated Witch Keepers, young products of the Lancre School who had opted to specialise in beekeeping. Even the respected Mistress Weatherwax had approved.

And so the Tour continued. (_to be continued)_

* * *

><p><strong>1) <strong>_Car park attendants the world over are regarded as not very bright and sticklers for the rule-book._

**2) **Absolutely_ true. I kid you not. Current thinking, according to Wikipedia, is that the zebra is a black creature with white stripes. Although others disagree... Johanna Smith-Rhodes, however, has advanced the novel argument that the zebra manages to have black and white stripes ___simultaneously.__

**3) **Le__ Corbusier ___was an eminent French architect renowned for style over substance. ___Courvoisier ___is a kind of middling-to-cheap brandy. Hit me if you think I'm explaining an over-obvious pun. _

**4) **Refer_ to ___**Pyramids**___ by Terry Pratchett. Teppic was now a hero of the Guild, and his old housemaster Mr Mericet swelled with reflected glory and pride in an able student. And Mericet is not easily impressed. _

**5) **The_ Dunnikindivers sponsored Dung Beetles and related species. _

**6) **Two_ of the penguins had caused a furore among the straiter-laced religions by going through the mating ritual and pair-bonding. As the religions pointed out, naming them Roderick and Keith had been a somewhat ___provocative___ action on Johanna's part. Seeing them trying to incubate a large pebble had led her to substitute an orphaned egg, just to see what happened. The resulting chick had been big news, with the ___Times___ and the ___Inquirer ___following its progress. It had even inspired Goatbergers' publishers to bring out a cash-in book aimed at a progressive and liberal readership (and their children), called ___Gavin Lives With Roderick and Keith. ___Surprisingly, it sold well._

**7) **Dominant_ females, subordinate males, the females having, er, ___certain characteristics___ and only mating with males to reproduce the species, out of strict functionality. Among themselves, the females could be quite pally. Alice Band thought it was a shame they were such ungainly creatures. Apart from that, she was very approving. _

**8) **International_ rugby games between the Wallabies (Australia) and the Springboeks (South Africa) tend to be one eye-gouge short of all-out war. Then again, any international involving South Africa has a certain ___edge___ to it. Speculation concerns the combination of the macho-laden sport of rugby with the macho nature of South African manhood, and whether bringing the two together is a good idea. Just like honey-badgers and Tasmanian Devils in a zoo, in fact. _

**9) **They_ were allowed a bee-quota as part of their diet, however, and there were always unwary bees that strayed too far._

**10) **Wee_ Mad Arthur would come to the Zoo and stand at the glass, glaring at the Agatean Giant Hornets and asking venomous insects standing almost as long as he was tall if they ___fancied a wee ruckus, china, aye, ye get oot of yon cage and I'm havin' ye, pal, nae bother.___ They were a personal and professional challenge to him. Johanna knew ___exactly___ who to call if any escaped. Arthur had had a special crossbow crafted against this event, which was to him what the Piecemaker was to Sergeant Detritus. He awaited the chance to go, as he put it, big-game hunting, with eager anticipation. Johanna was almost tempted to let a few escape. She was, after all, an Assassin and had a professional interest in watching the fight. However, the Guild of Beekeepers had petitioned Lord Vetinari to veto the import of a foreign species known to be able to reduce a hive to an apian abbatoir inside an hour. Vetinari had ruled the addition of the Agatean hornets could go ahead, as it would be instructive to all concerned. But he had warned the Zoo about the consequences of allowing any escapes. _


End file.
